BadKat

Are You There Spring? It's Me, Kat

2009-03-30T11:28:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I wrote this for all my friends on Facebook, so I thought I could be lazy and just post it here…
Double duty for a busy gal!

Dear Spring,
I enjoyed your recent visit and am looking forward to your return. We had so much fun, carousing around with 3/4 sleeves and no need for a second pair of pants or two fleeces. Remember when we rode bikes through the paths and did not freeze or have to dodge snow and ice patches? That was really great too! But now you’ve gone, and I am left shivering and cold in the midst of your departure. I would appreciate your return by Easter, as there has not been a warm Easter in awhile, and I have a really cute outfit I would like to wear. There is a lonely pair of wedge sandals waiting in their box that arrived from Amazon.com in January. They go perfect with my dress with the lilies on it that I never wear because I have no shoes to match and I don’t want to be made fun of by Greg or Virath. I would also appreciate being able to take a cute picture in my outfit with Alea, outside with green grass without turning into an icicle. And maybe you could even team up with Alea and I kick Brad’s ass again, because you know we can’t fight in the house. Easter can be so much fun you see, and it is extra late this year so I can’t see how you wouldn’t manage to fit joining me into your schedule.
I wait for you return with eagerness and expectancy, as do my cute clothes. I will take my box of dresses out of the basement and put then in my upstairs closet so maybe you will get the hint. I will wear open toed shoes and freeze my toes to play hard to get, maybe then you’ll come around. I will ride my bike with 14 layers of clothing to malice your reluctant revisit. I know my attempts are feeble at best and you will probably let that nasty Mr. Winter bully you around until June. And I know I will soon forget you when summer comes along. But please, do your girl a favor just this once…
Your bestie for life,
Kat

Holy Crap! Where the Hell Have I Been?

2009-03-16T18:01:00.001-05:00

After a month of weddings and the catch up for work and eBay after has left me with NO TIME. Plus, I have a newly developed addiction to Facebook (send me your email if you want to be my real-life online friend).

So excuses, excuses, but I am around. I am just getting caught up on my regular blogs (Sorry I have not been around to provide you with hilarious sarcasm Fear Street). I will post soon, but right now I've got nothing.

HAPPY ST. PAT'S!

Quit Wrecking My Valentine's Fun!

2009-02-13T15:29:00.002-06:00

I keep hearing all of this talk about boycotting Valentine’s Day because it is over-hyped and commercialized. You know what? SUCK IT!!!

I love Valentine’s Day. Can’t you have a sentimental and meaningful day without buying into the commercialism and advertising? I sure can. This day is about love and wearing really cute outfits with hearts on them (I am undecided about a heart dress with red tights, or jeans and a heart print shirt). Plus, it is P.’s birthday so I never really get a gift from Mr. Whiney anyways, it’s HIS BIRTHDAY…

But I don’t care. I don’t need to buy into the hype to celebrate a tradition that precedes mass advertising and global commercialization. We are not going out to dinner; I am having a dinner party at my house. We are going out for drinks after, but that is for birthday celebrations. And if I want chocolate, I will buy it for myself and it need not be in any heart or cupid shape. If I want jewelry (which I never wear), I would buy it myself. If I wanted flowers (which I don’t because they are a waste of money and my cats eat them and then puke), I would plant something.

No, I just love the ambiance and schmaltziness of Valentine’s Day. So all of you bitter anti-Valentines Day people need to quit wrecking my fun!

I will make you a card if you want though…Happy Valentines Everyone/Non-Boycotters!

Mondays Suck Ass, So Let's Have Some Keyword Fun

2009-02-02T19:10:00.002-06:00

These keywords were recently used as paths to my blog:

"i used to love john mayer" (well, now you have joined me in the hatred of John Mayer…)
alcoholics and sparkling juice (don’t mix, believe me that sparkling crap does not tide you over)
badkat diet (what are you implying?)
can you buy sparkling juice at grocery store (where the hell else would you get it)
blocking a sweeater (thank goodness Google spell checks)

**Anyone looking to block a sweater needs to visit Martha Stewart’s website, not mine. As previously seen, I know nothing about the art of blocking sweaters! **

I am really wondering what post I ever talked about sparkling juice...

Take It In, Take It Out & Shake Your Boobies All About

2009-01-29T21:04:00.001-06:00

So, I went to my first dress fitting on Tuesday. All I have to say is...wait, I’ll be nice, but just this once. Only because it is one of my best friends getting married. UGH

I have to get the dress taken out, and then have it taken back in. This is because there is extra fabric where it should not be and it is all shifty. It has to be taken apart and put back together on an uneven hem. It fits tight under my bust so it pushes them up, but there is extra fabric so my boobs hang out, and I am not that kind of gal! Cass’s mom’s exact words as I stepped out of the dressing room were, “holy, crap, that’s come cleavage!”

Holy crap, I hadn’t noticed! Holy crap, I hadn’t expected to have to pay $100 for alterations, including SEWING A BRA INTO THE DRESS. That is right, even a fitted dress will not hold me in. And, Holy Crap, who would expect this simple, innocent looking dress to be a busty chick’s nightmare? :

Can you believe this shit? Because I can’t! Well, wish me luck and stitches!

If any plastic surgeons wish to donate me an emergency breast reduction surgery, now would be a great time!!

Wait! It Is Not an Abominable Snowman, It’s ME!

2009-01-28T12:00:00.001-06:00

I have been noticing the winter melancholy around, I feel you guys!!! I started tanning for the wedding I am in (I always have to say that so no one thinks I am the one silly enough to get married), so I am getting a little “sun” and warm. That makes me happy!

Here has been my outfit for the past month:
1 pair tights
1 pair leggings or Cuddle-Duds (love them…)
1 pants (1 size too big as to fit other layers under)
1 tank
1 tee
1 long-sleeve tee
1 fleece
1 vest (with hand warmers in the sleeves)
2 pair socks
1 pair Columbia Winter Shoes

And when I put my coat with the fur-trimmed hood on; man, I look like a Yeti. Or the State Puff Marshmallow Man, only my coat is brown so the Toasted State Puff Marshmallow Man. With a fur-trimmed hood…

I wish it was warm! I washed all of my dresses from vacation this weekend (yes, normally tidy Kat waited with a pile of laundry on the basement floor for a month. But hey, I had a lot of fleeces to wash). I wish it was warm enough even to wear a non-sweater dress even with tights and a sweater. Damn you winter, DAMN YOU!!!

According to the Farmer’s Almanac (fuck you Belinda Jensen and your crappy, inaccurate forecasts, I’ve gone elsewhere), it is supposed to be a warmer than normal April and May. April and May, my new friends, WELCOME! I will be seeing you soon…

For some kitty news, I forgot to order cat food (yes, the spoiled ones have cat food delivery), so I sent P. to Petco for 3 small cans of Wellness cat food. He came back with a cat condo (and yes, the food). Here is Fatty looking like Devil-Cat while fighting a toy mouse that dared to enter his new condo.

I Thought Blocking Your Sweater Meant You Beat It with a Brick

2009-01-08T20:02:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I love Martha Stewart. Not as much as I love Prince, but close. I also love her daughter’s show, Whatever Martha. Alexis Stewart and some other chick basically make fun of clips of Martha’s shows. Now, I love “make fun of others” kind of shows. The Soup? Love it. Best Week Ever? Love it. Now I have this show, which also includes my girl-crush, Martha. If you get a chance to watch it, do. It is on FLN. And I think that they are on Sirius or something, but I do not have satellite radio and do not plan on getting it as I have been warned that they are going under soon.

So anyway, as I meander around my point as usual…
I was talking to this woman at work about a recent episode of Whatever Martha where they were snarking on a Martha segment where she instructs how to wash and “block” sweaters so you do not have to send them to the cleaner.

Let’s back up here a minute. Who the hell sends their sweaters to the cleaners? For that matter, who fucking hand washes their sweaters? Washing machines usually have a delicate or hand wash setting, duh Martha. And what the hell is this blocking thing? I was seriously waiting for the block to come into play at some point, but the segment ended and I was left confused.

So, I was explaining my confusion to the woman I work with. She was like, oh, yeah, that’s where you lay your sweater out flat and measure it before and after you wash and adjust it so it dries even and the same size it was before you washed it. I was in awe that she actually knew what this was, but thankful that she clarified the process.

Are you shitting me? I am supposed to do this with every sweater I own? I live in Minnesota for crimanies sake; do you know how many sweaters I own? And I have never really had any problems with my sweaters shrinking unless it was put in the dryer on accident (thanks to my lovely boyfriend). I think I will stick with drying them on low or hanging them over my shower rod.

So there is your useless information for the day, I hope I have been of service…

On a random note, I am watching ET (I only get basic, but digital switchover ready, TV in my office) and Laura Bush said she loved coming into her fashion as first lady (huh?), and that she got to know many great American designers, such as Oscar de la Rento. Um, it is de la Renta, and isn’t he Dominican or Spanish or something?

Send Me Back, PLEASE

2009-01-07T12:25:00.002-06:00

So, I got back a little less then 2 weeks ago and I am still miserable. Cold? Yuck. Various forms of precipitation? Yuck. My first week back a work SUCKED, I knew it would. A new computer/operating system going into place, smack in the middle of the busiest single week of the year. I seriously thought about staying while I was down there. The weather was great, it was 75-90 degrees everyday and only really rained at night.

Here are some of the things that prevented my sudden emigration to Puerto Rico:

I do not speak Spanish, so the hopes of a decent job are severely limited. I need Rosetta Stone very badly.

I do not yet own a Vespa with matching helmets for me and Snickers, and a kitty cage on the back for her.

I could not stay in the condo I was at; considering it was booked out starting the day we left. Plus, although good for a temporary stay, I would not want to live at that condo.

I do not think anyone would be willing to get my cats ready to be shipped down, nor would I like to pay to ship them down.

I had none of my things that I would need on a normal daily basis.

I am in that wedding on 2/28, and Cass would fly down and kill me if I did not show, although at least I would die someplace warm and tropical.

Well, I guess life must move on, and vacation would not be vacation if you lived there all of the time. Plus, there is the whole bug and mold situation that comes with any tropical location. However, I will tell you that I am planning a weekend somewhere warm for P.’s birthday, which also happens to be Valentine’s Day. I do not know where, I do not care if it is last minute booked the night before, just get me out of the cold for 3 or 4 days, PLEASE. I started planning this trip the day before I came back. I need periodic trips to warm places as to not turn into an angry winter troll. Or maybe I would be better described as similar to the Winter Warlock from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town. But anyway, I am back and loathing it!

I will get together a post of my favorite and least favorite highlights. You can see when the wind destroyed Christmas and the craphole known as Ponce, which is fraudulently advertised as “The Pearl of the South”, Blech. But, I do have some great pictures of the Rainforest and a cat that ran up a tree when I was walking through Old San Juan. I should just upload my Photobucket albums…

On an “I’m back to reality being tormented by my spoiled-ass cats” note, I am trying to figure out which cat has been stealing and eating blueberry muffins. Two days in a row, once was half eaten sitting on a plate, and the other was wrapped in plastic. I found both on the floor, broken apart with chew marks on them. And the paper was eaten through. Fatty is out of the question, since he can’t get on the counter. Snickers? Fluffs? Anybody want to come forward and admit that they’ve been naughty?

No One Told Me Winter Did Not Start Until Sunday

2008-12-17T22:14:00.001-06:00

By the looks around here, it has been winter for awhile. But I am leaving, for almost 2 weeks. The snow is supposed to hold out until after I leave, let’s just keep hoping! I am off to the land of rum, coffee, and most of all, WARM. All of the things I love. I will miss my kitties though, little boogers that they are. My sister is in charge of my house (ha, ha, I hope you have to shovel), and I am ready to go. My checked bag weighs 38 pounds, so I am legal. And I booked my flight before

Zanne, I went to Ulta today and the 5 for $10 stuff this year is AWSOME! I got myself a nice eye shadow palette :) And it has been awful in Chicago, I have seen! I know you are going to get this storm tomorrow too! :(

I will talk to everyone when I get back! I will send anyone who wants it a link to my flikr page.

Everyone have a wonderful holiday!

-25 Degrees and 3 Days

2008-12-15T10:59:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, it was 40 degrees and raining. Then, at about 4:30pm, Old Man Winter decided to get up from his afternoon nap and share his wintery wrath on the upper Midwest. Within 2 hours, it was 5 degrees out and snowing. Thanks to the rain, there is a nice ice layer under the snow. I could go ice skating on my patio and driveway. Not that I would want to, it is a whole -4 degrees out right now, of course with -25 windchill. Needless to say, I am working from home today. I was up at 6:30 and dialed into my computer at work. I am almost halfway done with my regular workday hours and it is only 10:00. SCORE, now I can take an hour break and still be done by 3:30. And, I am getting so much done so tomorrow I can just take care of non-paperwork stuff because it is my last day of work before I LEAVE THIS WINTER NIGHTMARE on Thursday morning. I am just waiting for a new skirt and pants to get here from Amazon so I can get them in my suitcase and then I will be packed and ready to go. There is supposed to be a chance of snow Thursday, please let it begin after my plane is gone!

I will try and blog before I leave, if not, everyone have a very happy holiday! I will be back in my normal post and comment routine after I return, PROMISE :)

Birthday Wishes

2008-12-08T20:49:00.000-06:00

My birthday is tomorrow. I love birthdays! I really am not very age oriented, but that does not mean that I do not like to celebrate the day I was born. I also demand that people have to be extra nice to my mother on my birthday, since she had to give birth that day.

Nothing much going on this year, it is a week night and I leave town in 10 days so I need to save all of my energy and money for that. I am assuming my grandparents will come see me at work, and I have some friends stopping by for a little while. But it is totally low key this year. No glow stick mouthpieces at insane clubs or drunken trips to eat massive amounts of pizza in questionable neighborhoods in the middle of the night. That is only if my birthday is on a weekend.

Better Late Than Never!

2008-12-01T17:49:00.008-06:00

“This weekend” means a week and a half later...

Fatty was very well behaved until he was cut off from his pain meds. After we cut him off of whatever unpronounceable “orphine” the vet gave him, he began to become delinquent (I’ve seen the Little House on the Prairie where Dr. Weston from Empty Nest was addicted to morphine. I learned my lesson, thanks Little House). He scaled the baby-gate and ran away from me on Saturday afternoon. No running or jumping for 12 weeks? Well, he jumped AND ran, one week and two days after a very serious surgery where his entire ligament was replaced. Ass hole cat!!!!
Here is his scar, not too bad:
We also took his sad cone off; it was just horrible watching him in it. He ran into everything and tried to clean himself, but only kept licking the inside of the cone. IT WAS SO SAD!

So we decided that he is now allowed out when we are home. But until we get a second baby gate to stack over the first, he has to be in there with the door shut. When he is out, he hops into our bed and onto chairs. I wonder if there is a difference between hopping two feet and a full blown jump. My poor kitty, he only wants to burrow:

He seems to be feeling fine! He walks better every day. And he does not appear to be addicted to opiates like I feared.

My birthday is next week. I have already gotten 1 birthday and 4 Christmas presents from P.’s parents. I got a kick-ass new camera with new high-capacity SD cards, new mittens, and a bunch of new Rubbermaid Easy Find containers. I love presents!! And I will most likely get the rest of my Christmas gifts this weekend when I go to my parents for my birthday dinner. I hope my grandparents give me money; it was first on the gift list they practically pried out of my hands in early November. All I want is new perfume (I have always gotten perfume from my parents on my birthday since I was 7. I was the best smelling 2nd grader of all time!) and money. I need it to stockpile inexpensive rum and coffee in Puerto Rico.

Please, everybody pray to your chosen Deity for me. NO SNOW. At least until after 7:30am on Thursday December 18th, 2008, when I am safely in the air on my way to sunny and beautiful Puerto Rico. PLEASE!!!! Love and kisses in advance! I leave in 17 days!!!

A Kitty’s Tale, Part Two: Fatty Gets a Bionic Leg

2008-11-20T19:07:00.001-06:00

So, the surgery went great, according to the kitty orthopedic surgeon. I can’t pick him up until tomorrow, and I’ll bet he is extra happy being stuck at the vet all night.

We set up his recovery room tonight, and both of the other cats were like “hey, this room is kick-ass, can we have surgery too?” I chased them out quickly…

So, Fatty has to wear one of those awful h-collar cone thingies for TWO WEEKS. He is going to do nothing but walk backwards and slam his head against stuff to try and get that sucker off. Plus, I know Snickers and Fluffs are going to laugh at him.

He does get kitty pain-killers, so that lessens my worries about my poor little kitty-man being in unbearable pain. And he gets antibiotics.

If any of you are curious on the tab for all of this? Thinking of getting your cat a bionic ligament? If you include the trip to the vet last week where he was sedated and x-rayed, we are up to $1700.00. Thank goodness for my part time eBay business (now known as the kitty medical bill relief fund).

Here is Fatty yesterday (layin’ on his heating blanket), if you look at his back leg you can tell how bad it is by the way he is propping it out:
I will update this weekend with pictures, so stay tuned!

A Kitty's Tale, Part One: Fatty Gets Surgery

2008-11-13T19:04:00.003-06:00

So, Fatty’s kitty ACL surgery is scheduled for next Thursday. He will have to be cooped up in our exercise room for a very long time. Plus, we have to move the weight set and P.’s laundry holder (aka, Ab-Lounge). I have to buy a rug, buy plastic sheeting to go under the rug, an extra cat box and a comfy cat bed (aka, body pillow) for him to lie on in his empty room. And a baby gate so he does not develop an even worse attitude by being totally cut off from the house.

This is going to be fun.

Here is how it goes:
They open his leg, remove the ruptured fragments of ligament and bone. They drill a little hole in his knee bone, then replace the ligament with an artificial one. I'll bet he will have a super-bionic kittyleg. After 12-16 weeks of recovery. He will have a kitty-cast and stitches that have to be removed in 2-3 weeks. And he needs to be on a diet during this time, which will be perfect because the other cats will be cut off from his special food (he has Kitty IBS) and he will not be able to get at theirs.

For those who were wondering,
ACL ruptures are actually more common in dogs (especially large breeds). It is pretty uncommon for a cat to have this issue, and usually they are over-weight. Hum, I wonder if his fat-ass status has anything to do with this…

My vet calls in a special cat orthopedic surgeon, and the only other cat ACL he has done there in the past 5 years was actually on my aunt’s cat last summer.

I am my vet's best customer this month, I swear!

I will keep you updated!

Cat, or Professional Football Player?

2008-11-12T18:13:00.001-06:00

Fatty, whose health woes are seemingly endless (he only last week was at the vet and was declared allergic to his own dander), had to go back to the vet today because he was limping around on his back leg. He has now come up with an injury more common in athletes, not an under-active housecats.

This damn cat has ruptured his ACL! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! This is bad; very, very bad. He has to have surgery, and within 6 weeks. Recovery takes 12 weeks and he has to be confined to a room where he cannot jump or get injured. And we go on vacation in 5 weeks. And I do not think that my travel insurance covers the cost of my non-refundable ticket for cancellation due to cat ACL injuries.

I do feel really bad though. I cannot figure out when he did this. I figure it had to be sometime between 5:00 on Tuesday when I got home from work and 9:00 when P. noticed him limping. Now, I can safely say that he was sleeping 3 hours and 30 minutes of that entire 4 hour period. So how?

He sleeps on this body pillow of mine that sits along the back of my chair when I am no using it. He does this thing where he rolls himself off to get down (he is very lazy). P. claims he saw him land kind of funny. I have no idea. All I know is that it is one thing after another with this kitty!

Attention Loyal Readers, I Have Been Infiltrated by a TROLL!

2008-11-08T10:46:00.003-06:00

Dear Anonymous Angry Blog Commenter,
To the person (I am assuming man) who left unsolicited and contemptible comments on my rant about the fashion world stealing yet another one of my trends (yes, this has very little to actually do with Heidi Klum). You know who you are, but I sure know (I am glad) I don’t.

Here are my thoughts:

I am not necessarily a Heidi Klum fan; but, she has only been married twice. Many people get married when they are very young, get divorced, then get married again when they are more mature and have truly met the right person. And save your “beshrewness” or whatever for your own blog. It is my job to curse people here. And that "beshrew" is no longer considered part of the modern English vocabulary. Welcome to 2008...

Cancer is nothing to joke about or wish on anyone. My grandmother is a breast cancer survivor and I find your comment to be entirely offensive and distasteful (however can tell that you lack a basic sense of civility or any class).

Spitefully calling women sluts or whores or whatever is not good, really not good. I may slip the occasional anti-woman slur, but it is never with the intentions of degradation or antagonism.

Models are not the problem, the societal values that promote the modeling industry are the problem. You are talking to a B.A. in Women's Studies/Social Science here. Don't fuck around!

Although I am a natural blonde, I do dye my hair a different color of blonde. So I could be classified as a “fake blonde”. So not insult me on my own blog, intentionally or not.

To everyone else, my friends and frequent readers, thank you for reading and appreciating my humor. Thank you for using your actual screen names (or at least identifying who you are). And thank you for leaving enjoyable and pleasant comments or emails that do not curse (oh sorry, since it is 1596, “beshrew”) people to cancer and early death. I have deleted these nasty comments so you do not have to be exposed to the unpleasantries!

Stories of Holiday Penguin Costumes and Rat Poison

2008-11-08T09:03:00.007-06:00

On a quick note: IT SNOWED YESTERDAY (now insert me throwing a fit and yelling NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at my window).

Since I am going out of town for Christmas, I have decided that I would like to write a sarcastically obnoxious holiday letter that basically says “Nah, Nah, can’t stand hanging around with you in the snow during the holidays so I am going to Puerto Rico without you”. I found this awesome penguin costume for Fatty to wear; I hope I can get him to behave to take a couple of good pictures. I have reindeer antlers for the others to wear.
Speaking of Fatty, we found out yesterday that he is allergic to himself. Do not ask me to explain this, because I really do not understand. All I know is that I sent P. to the vet with Fatty, and that was the explanation P. gave me. Now we have to get him anti-histamine shots every other month. What a little furry bastard. Who loves body pillows:

This cat has so many issues, I swear he has kitty Munchausen’s syndrome. That cat has cost us more money than any other cat I have ever owned. This includes the time Snickers got into the rodent poison left behind by the previous owner of my house. Snickers lived and was not harmed in anyway(that cat will eat ANYTHING), but she cost me almost $1000 after having to rush her to the emergency vet and multiple after-care appointments.

So anyway, no we have to get our damn cat allergy shots. I live in sinus misery because it was too much hassle to go get MY allergy shots. Maybe the vet could just give me mine at the same time! Now that's using my noggin!

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PUERTO RICO: 40

Halloween is Fun and Everything, But Don’t Be Such a Witch

2008-10-21T18:28:00.005-05:00

So, to much disappointment to many, I will not be going as Jem this Halloween (including to those not even born when Jem was around). I started planning too late, and I would have to order a wig, have my mother give it a 1987 rock haircut, and basically completely take apart and put back together a dress that I found in my closet. Way too much work and effort to be putting in less than 2 weeks before Halloween. I promise (I know, you’ve heard this before) I will plan early and go as Jem next year. If anyone steals my idea, you will be hunted down…
For some reason, even though I have a full flapper and bumble-bee costumes, I got this itch to be Cinderella. I would not even have to do much with my hair. So, last week, while browsing for an un-needed Cinderella Halloween costume, I came across this adorable bag:

Oh my, isn’t it cute? It came today and it is even cuter than the picture!
After finding and immediately ordering it for half price on eBay, I demanded to myself that no other costume except for a witch would do for this Halloween. Not a hag witch, a cute witch…I have ordered two different witch costumes, so one is bound to make it here (and fit) by Halloween. Both are really different and require different colored tights, so I am anxiously waiting for one to arrive so I can get on with the dress alterations and hosiery hunt-down. I LOVE HALLOWEEN! It is totally better than Christmas or any other holiday where I have to go hang out with my relatives. It is so much fun, and I can wear a short skirt and thigh-highs and not feel like an inappropriate hoochie
I want to know what everyone is being for Halloween! If you have not informed me of your costume, please comment or email me with what you are being. Also, if you are dressing up your pets, please let me see!

Finally, the Puerto Rican Christmas Countdown Starts Today! Even though P. had been counting down since August ;)

Days until I leave for PR: 58

7 Signs of a Prince Obsession

2008-10-09T17:26:00.005-05:00

1 - You get in a fight with your sister about whether or not Prince still owns Paisley Park. You then spend part of your day scouring the Internet and are still not clear if he does still own Paisley Park.

2 - You like to brag about the fact that your mom’s gay duo from 1984 that she met at cosmetology school did the hair for Purple Rain.

3 - You watch Purple Rain and get nostalgic for the 1980’s when you could paint a triangle over your eye or red streaks on your cheeks and pull it off as an evening look. You also wonder why your darling Prince looks like such a creep when he makes out with Apollonia Kotero.

4 - You make everyone be quiet when Purple Rain comes on and tell everyone about your favorite part at the end of the song when he “Whoooo, whoooo, whooo, whoooooooo’s” and it makes you almost cry. That song has touching memories and meanings to it.

5 - You frantically spend 2 hours tearing apart your house because you are in a “I can’t find my last remaining disc to The Hits/The B-Sides anywhere and I need to download I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man and Diamonds and Pearls on to my MP3” frenzy. (That disc happens to be disc one and still remains missing. A new set of The Hits/The B-Sides has been ordered, Thank you Half.com)

6 - You know the Raspberry Beret dance.

7 - You wonder when Prince will get over his Jehovah Witness-ness and go back to being his Sexy M.F. self. And you wonder it quite frequently…Then, when you hear Price has declared celibacy until he meets “the right girl”, you start wondering how you can turn into a 5ft, dark complexioned brunette. And you start wondering why you gave up dance. Man, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HIS BACKUP DANCER. It worked for Mayte…maybe you could just get a job answering the phones at Paisley Park, that worked for Manuela...

I may have some problems to resolve here. But, isn't the first step to realize and admit your problems? No, wait, I want to be in denial; THERE ARE NO ISSUES HERE ;)
At least I do not have a fictitious relationship with Prince like his sister does with Marc Anthony.

Fluff’s New Look, No Faux Hawks Here

2008-10-04T15:32:00.003-05:00

This is what Fluffs looked like yesterday, pre-furcut:
Now, look at what P. did to my cat. I swear, I can’t even have him bring the cat to the groomers without him doing something funny. Punk lives on, through my kitty…

But I think she is kind of cute and Cass says that it is adorable. What do you guys think?

The Weather Bug Is Back

2008-09-29T20:12:00.001-05:00

Oh yes, I am at it again. Since the normal daily high temp is no longer over 70 degrees, I am feeling the need to gripe about the weather. Get ready, it is gonna be a LONG winter. Yes, here in Minnesota, winter should start a week from Thursday. I will warn you, my weather rants will be frequent, with your only break being when I go to Puerto Rico in December. Sorry guys, I am the weather downer. And if you like to ski or snowboard or build snowmen or eat snowflakes or WHATEVER, sorry. I hate that crap! You might get me to go snowshoeing if you promised me the sighting of fauna, and a couple of years ago they built an ice castle for the Winter Carnival and I went out to see that (equipped with 7 layers of clothing). But other than that, no way Jose. I dream of the day I live where there is green and blue all year!

By the way, I think I am developing an unhealthy obsession with Prince…More to come, unless I get distracted by something better!

AIG Needs a New Savings Plan

2008-09-29T17:34:00.000-05:00

In the midst of potentially, maybe, probably being bailed out of bizillions of dollars, I have an interesting and first-hand expose on the way in which our financial sector uses its funds, or lack there of.

I oversee an online ordering department at my job, so I see all incoming orders before they go to be filled. Last Friday, I saw an order come through that made my jaw drop.

The customer: AIG
The product ordered: Blue gift bags (you know, those glossy ones that have the woven string handle)
Amount spent on said gift bags:$100.00

WHAT?!?! You have to be fucking kidding me! $100.00 on some crap-ass gift bags when you are about to (potentially, maybe, probably, whatever…) be bailed out for a kazillion dollars?

$100.00 may not seem like a lot, but it is principal of the matter…

I called out that I would bet these are for going away gifts for all of the employees that wont have a job soon.

If you want my advice, I would take all of my retirement savings, bury it under my shed, then get a large dog so that it can guard the money (of course with the help of the rabbits and Brigadier Diggins).

Happy Hour With Grandma

2008-09-19T19:08:00.000-05:00

Went to happy hour with my mom and grandma. Man, those 2 drunk-ass broads with their Karkov can drink me under the table. Grandma? Hammered…My mom said she is taking her home and putting her into her chair. This is where I am assuming she will spend the rest of her night…
Love you Grandma!!! You can handle more liquor than us all.

Creature Feature: The Ok, Now I’m Just Seeing Shit Edition

2008-09-15T17:11:00.002-05:00

While walking to the bus stop this morning (yes, BadKat practices what she preaches about carpooling and environmental responsibility) I swear I saw a badger hiding behind a trash can in someone’s driveway. At first I thought it was another groundhog when I saw it running along. Then it stopped, hid behind the trash, and peaked out at me. I swear it had a fucking badger face. Then, it ran off under the fence and I could not see it, even though I ran and bent over to try and see if I really was seeing a badger. Granted I have not had my required 5743mg of caffeine yet, but still, I swear I saw it! I really doubt it was a badger though. I will need to check the MNDNR to see if there are even badgers in my area.

Man, I must have looked like one CRAZY chick to anyone looking out of their window at that point. But when it comes to animals, I HAVE TO SEE!!! To any of my neighbors who may have seen me, sorry!

A Role Model for Fatty

2008-09-05T17:55:00.006-05:00

Fatty is an asshole. Don’t get me wrong, I love him and am very nice to him. Especially nice, considering his awful behavior and horrible attitude. But his foul kitty attitude is well known and recently, P. and I have been discussing Fatty’s choice of role models for his life, and here is what we came up with:

Fatty as Jaba
Fat? Of course. Bad attitude? Check. Bully? Always. Minions? Several.

Fatty as Cartman
Says, “MAAAAAAAAAOOM”. Eats a lot and poops where he is not supposed to. Sets up his friends, but shows remote signs of love when caught at the right time. But still is generally a spoiled, out of control monster.

Fatty as Garfield
Eats a lot (although he does not like pasta), sleeps a lot and torments his owners and animal friends quite frequently. (We actually think we have the entire Garfield cast living in our house, but the blog about that will have to wait until I get bored enough for another picture project).

Personally, I think Fatty is going for a mix of all three.

The Day I Regret Throwing Out MY Flannel Shirts

2008-09-04T17:51:00.000-05:00

To my 7 loyal readers (AKL and CASS, you do not count…). I am here; I have just been very busy with my real BadKat life. My best friend is getting married, so there has been lots of fittings and activity planning. Plus, work is EXTRA busy because the RNC is in town

However, innocently watching Chelsea Lately last night, I was shocked back into reality. I was startled and dismayed at an ad for Chick Downtown that featured an ultra-skinny chick wearing a FLANNEL SHIRT and severely ripped up jeans. She also had the old heroin sheik black under eye makeup. Oh, hell, no!

I am trying to find photographic proof of this horror so far with no luck. I will promise you this though; proof or not that early 90’s fashion is sneaking its way back into fashion, I will never in my life ever wear a flannel shirt ever again! Even if you found my multi-color “No Fear” flannel that I did not take off in all of 1994.

HEY, and stay tuned for an awesome and hilarious photo post about my cat, Fatty. It is a can’t miss, and I will have it ready ASAP! After the praise and success of my Kitty Olympics, I figured you people like my nerdy cat projects.

I'll Ship You To Abu Dhabi

2008-08-24T22:32:00.002-05:00

Normally, I would declare Fluffs to be Nermal’s live incarnate: =
However, Snickers looks like she’s ready to be shipped off to Abu Dhabi. In a small ass box. This damn cat obviously knows nothing about leg room.

Creature Feature: First Kitty Olympiad

2008-08-20T14:31:00.003-05:00

In gold metal position, Fluffs. Friend to all, especially if you bring her a cream-packet from IHOP. Winner of the most preciousness points and the seafood/fruit/dairy eating competition. She almost lost her high starting value by destroying a lamp by knocking it over while on a crazy running rampage with Fatty. But she redeemed her gold metal status by giving everyone blinky-eyes, cuddling and being a generally lovable and sweet kitty. Fluffs is the Nastia Liukin of the Kitty All-Around. She will be celebrating her 9.98 score by getting a fur-cut, Mohawk style.

With a sudden and startling silver metal sweep, Snickers. An unexpected win, as she hates anyone but her mom, BadKat. Hair chewer, trash monger, and dinner bandit; her only hope for a metal position was thought to be the fact that her owners have exactly three cats and three metals. Her higher than anticipated silver ranking was achieved by not acting as horribly misbehaved as Fatty this week. It is suspected there might be some judging bias which gave Snickers her high rank. However, a special computer system was brought in to prevent problems like cheating or bias, leaving Snickers score at a 7.587565415357896352135789, which was an exact tie with that cat that occasionally hunts rabbits in the backyard. After the computer sorted out the mess, it was found that Snickers was the winner by one bazillioniths of a point. That other cat who hunts rabbits in the backyard will not be contesting the score.

The bronze metal goes to Fatty, who really does not deserve anything but a swift kick in his kitty ass. His horrible cat attitude this summer has made his rank fall. Expected to win at least silver, his final mistake was deciding that the floor right outside of his litter box made a better place to relieve himself than the litter box itself, despite its newly scrubbed status. He also bit his owner in a weak attempt to reiterate his higher starting score, which was unsuccessful at the very least. These factors brought his Kitty Olympic rating down to a 3.0. But Fatty’s rumored use of kitty performance-enhancing drugs may jeopardize the integrity of his standing in the future. More news about that in four to six years when Fatty is finally forced to testify in court against Victor Konte, BALCO, and other members of the Kitty Olympic Team.

Why is John Mayer Wrecking My Song?

2008-08-18T17:17:00.003-05:00

This picture is so perfect for this post:

First, let me explain…It is pretty simple…I HATE JOHN MAYER. It is a strong hatred that became stronger when I was forced to listen to his hack-job of Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty twice an hour before I demanded that someone change the radio station at work.

Why, Why, WHY is his version of this song becoming so popular? It is a whiney-bitch version and it is REALLY BAD!! It is so horrible!

Oh and what John Mayer, you don’t got anymore “Your Body Is a Wonderland” type crap that you can meagerly whine out instead of wrecking one of my favorite songs?

John Mayer is a dirty, slutty, hippy whiner that women seem to love. Why my fellow woman-kind? WHY?!?

On a, less hate filled note, the MN State Fair starts on Thursday. If you ever get a chance to go, do it! You have never been to anything like it! In fact, if you ever want to go, come stay with me and we will go together! Better watch it though; they started serving hard liquor this year…

Next post will be the results of my own Kitty Olympics. Let’s just say that there was a surprise win for the silver. This surprise result was due to the loss of cat-popularity points because one fat-ass kitty crapped all over the floor right outside of his CLEAN LITTER BOX. Anyway, I found kitty-sized gold, silver and bronze metals and the pictures of my cats wearing them are adorable, so stay tuned!

Why is Meg Ryan Wrecking My Movie?

2008-08-12T08:02:00.002-05:00

They are remaking one of my favorite movies, The Women. If you have never watched it, do so because it is awesome!

But I swear to you that Norma Shearer is turning in her grave seeing MEG RYAN playing her part. Meg Ryan is not pretty and has had way too much cosmetic surgery. And she is so annoying...

At least in the original it was kind of hard to believe that some dude would cheat on Norma Shearer with Joan Crawford. If I was Meg Ryan’s character I would know why my husband cheated with Eva Mendez.

I will still watch it, but I will keep waiting for Tom Hanks to show up and for Meg Ryan’s face to move…

HEY ZANNE!! If you are online today, go to Google and look at what the Olympic theme is today on their logo. It's for us!!!

Dumb-Ass of the Day, Non-Alcoholic Sparkling Juice Edition

2008-08-10T23:59:00.002-05:00

For those who do not know, I work for a party and catering supply company that is a pretty big fixture in the city that I live in. I work in the shipping and administrative office departments, so I really do not have much to do with the retail store. However, I do answer phones when needed. This was a real live conversation that I had with a customer (from here on known as Dumb-Ass) on Friday:

Me: How can I help you?
Dumb-Ass: Yes, I am wondering if you carry non-alcoholic sparkling juice?
Me: No ma’am, we do not. The only food item we carry is candy.
Dumb-Ass: Well, why not? I thought for sure that you would carry it. Do you know where I can get it?
Me: Ma’am, you can get sparkling juice at the grocery store
Dumb-Ass: I know you can, but it is for a wedding and all.

Ok, Dumb-Ass, what is going to be the difference between sparkling juice for wedding and the fucking sparkling juice you buy from the grocery store? Lady, I suggest you go harass a liquor store instead next time. That seems more logical than calling the store that sells paper plates! DUMB-ASS!

Olympic Hair

2008-08-08T19:51:00.001-05:00

Got my haircut today. I always have to wait about a week before I like the way my hair looks after getting it cut. The guy who cuts my hair is awesome. And I have a feeling he might turn famous one day. And then I will have access to a celebrity hairstylist because I knew him when he was outside of the big-time.

Is anyone else as excited for the Olympics as me? I need to make a manageable chart of what events I want to watch. Here are my favorite events:
1- Boxing
2- Swimming and diving
3- Track and Field (especially pole-vault and discus).
4- Weight-lifting
5- Gymnastics (Traditional and Rhythmic)

What are your guy’s favorites? I like the Summer Olympics way better than the Winter Olympics!!

I would have a cat picture, but the one I want I took on my boyfriends camera and he ran off to work with it this morning. So maybe next time!

Kitty of the Day, Off With Their Heads!!

2008-08-07T17:46:00.003-05:00

This is Fluffs. And if you are truly concerned, she is alive and well. And whole, head and all!

Two of my cats do this, I really can't figure out why...

Creature Feature, My Gay Ducks

2008-08-05T18:58:00.002-05:00

Um, I mean alternative lifestyle ducks. We welcome all here… P. get super annoyed with me when I call them my little gay ducks. Just like he gets mad when I tell him his cat is gay (well, he IS). I don't know why, all of my gay friends think it is hilarious.
These are the ducks that have come back to my yard for all three springs we have lived here. They seem to reside in the bushes on the north side of the house, far away from the groundhog. They are always together, and I see them chasing off this one very aggressive female ducks. Some chicks just do not get it ;)! But anyway, they are so cute! They sleep together and I see them walking around together a lot. Cuties!!

I have not seen my groundhog in a couple of days, but I have not spent too much time outside thanks to being a grownup and having to go to work and all.

But I need to pick a name for him. P. thinks I am insane because I love animals so much. I just choose to find enjoyment out of simple things, including furry adorable things that have chosen my area as home! I am taking name suggestions via comment or email at: badkat7036@gmail.com

I may list a poll with potential names, lets see how inspired I am.

Upcoming Creature Feature

2008-08-04T21:26:00.002-05:00

I am trying to get Blogger to upload the damn pictures of my adorable gay ducks, but it is being delinquent. So stay tuned for the expose of adorableness dedicated to my alternative lifestyle mallard ducks!!

It is a little known fact that in addition to housing my very own groundhog (yet to be named); I also live in the duck landing and takeoff zone. And thanks to the sunroom, we can see the mass flight activity on a daily basis. And in other duck news, I saw the cutest group of about 30 ducks crossing the street on the way to work this morning. They were so cute and there was so many! I wish I would have had my camera.

Man, this blog is turning into the featured animal of the day blog!!! Hum, maybe I have something there!

Warning! Random Thoughts Ahead!

2008-08-01T17:55:00.004-05:00

I am eating Cocoa Pebbles. This may be considered the most random of all random thoughts. But I had not had them in about 20 years until we went grocery shopping and decided to grab some. Then I remembered how good they were. And no, I am not high…

I feel pale. I have not been swimming in almost 2 weeks.

Still no air conditioning. We were informed that our air conditioner was beyond hope and now we have to get a new one. So we wont have any air conditioning for about 3 weeks. By then we wont need it. Oh well, we have been OK these past couple of days. I'll be wishing for these days in February.

My calendar at work said today was Girlfriend’s Day. I called and told P., and he asked who I paid to have them print that on the calendar. He also asked when Boyfriend’s Day is. I told him everyday is boyfriend’s day. He scoffed at that, and I told him to remember that when he needs his boxer shorts washed or when his NFL Sunday Ticket is disconnected because he forgets to pay the bill. Dummy!

6:05pm is the moment of silence for the 1 year anniversary of the 35W Bridge collapse. I drove on that bridge with my sister 4 hours before it collapsed. It could have been anybody…

In a non-random thought. One of my very best friends died in October 2006. Her oldest daughter turned 8 yesterday. Her daughters are cute and lovely girls, and I normally am not a fan of children. I consider them to be my nieces, they call P. their uncle. He is their dad's best friend. I made a promise to their mother at her funeral that I would always do right by her girls because that is the way she would have wanted it.
But anyway, we took the girls, their visiting dad (who is away getting help dealing with the death and some other issues), and their uncle (who is a close friend) to Benihana to celebrate and this picture of the younger one is awesome:

It really looks like she's using those things, huh? She really is not, she is sitting there staring at the cook. But a minute earlier she was had one in each hand and was scooping up rice with them, and I have to give her credit, she did not drop anything on herself. Which I cannot say about her father and uncles. But we had a good time! The girls proclaimed that they have not been over in a long time. The little one tried to escape with me! As we walked to the cars, she suddenly said "OK, you hold on while I get my car seat and stuff". Like she was going to grab her car seat and bag by herself and meet me at my car or something. Four going on nineteen!

An Ugh Kind of Day

2008-07-30T16:07:00.003-05:00

I am having an off day, here is why:
My best friend is getting married and she is freaking out because she had to kick her matron of honor out of the wedding because she is a psycho-skank-bitch. She seems calmer now than she was yesterday, but as her maid of honor I have to deal with all of the wedding stuff she does and stress transfers easily. And I hate weddings and I am anti-marriage for myself so I do not understand all of the drama and politics involved in weddings. Especially $50,000, 200 guest, winter wonderland dream weddings.

My lovable but loser brother is moving back to Chicago. He moved up here a year ago to try and take advantage of opportunities for him that Minnesota has that Illinois does not. But after getting fired from his most recent stop on the job-hopping trail, he claims a friend down there has a job for him. He is a perpetual fibber, so who really knows what’s going on. I do know he misses his friends down there and he feels torn between families in two states. Still, I am really sad he is going and I know it will be a long time before I see him. He is kind of cool to hang out with.

It is hot, humid and it is going to get worse in the next week. And my air conditioning is broken. I don’t mind so much because I like heat and sunshine. But P. works outside and becomes crabby if he has to sit in a warm and stuffy house after dealing with the heat all day. At least it will be fixed on Saturday. I think I can not kill him until then.

Summer is almost over. I know, it is July 30th, but still, summer ends in like mid-September here. And the warm nights end about the 2nd week in August. Fall makes me kind of sad and nostalgic, and I am not normally a very sentimental person. I think it will be worse this year because I graduated in May so I am not starting classes. I am trying to keep myself busy, but the boredom persists. And the loneliness from my brother leaving.

This ends my pity party for the day. I am normally not a down kind of gal, but I just feel kind of UGH today. It shall pass…

New precious kitty picture:

This is Dumb-Ass a.k.a. Snickers behind the blinds in our sunroom. Which, by the way is one of the reasons my house gets so hot, that friggin’ sunroom. This is her favorite window, she squeezes in between the glass and the screen and sleeps and watches critters. There are two nature preserves within a mile from me, so we get lots of critters. If any of you are South Park fans, I am starting my own Critter Christmas over here!

Creature Feature: Mystery Animals and Birthday Fluffs

2008-07-25T17:34:00.005-05:00

Help me to identify this adorable vermin:

He is so cute!!! And he lives under my shed!!! I have never seen him before but I saw him out of my office window, grabbed my camera and went outside, snuck around to the back and snapped some pictures as he ran away, under my shed. I tried to convince him that I only wanted to know what he was and that I would not hurt him. He wasn’t having it…

What is he?? Cass, you should know about garden vermin since you have an unused landscaping degree. AKL, you are an aspiring biologist or whatever, so what is it??

UPDATE (6:25pm):This animal has been identified as a gopher by P. I had my suspicions, but I am no animal expert. I demanded that he not kill my new gopher tenant. He assured me the gopher would remain safe. Perhaps relocated, but safe. And alive.

UPDATE (7:55pm): P. admits he really has no idea what this is, but it is "gopherish". Now he thinks it is a Groundhog! CUTENESS!!!! But I am not taking his word for it. Anyone know what this is? I hope I have my own Groundhog!!!!

In other animal news, Fluffs turns 4 today. My precious kitty, I can never imagine life without you:

BadKat, Buckets of Fun!

2008-07-24T18:23:00.008-05:00

Is it sad that the only time I will let most of you into my real personal life (aka see me) is to show you what a fool I am? At least I am a fun fool, especially when you give me a bucket with vodka, peach schnapps, Bacardi Limon, juice, and lord knows what else. And give me about 4 of them plus other various things. Everyone can thank Cass for this hilarity!!

Notice how my shirt is up around my neck and I have not the least bit of concern about it. And I am making the drunken "Eeeeeeeeeeee" smile. And Cass obviously did not care.
I had three other buckets that I lost somewhere along the line. And I think that glow-in-the glass is from 8Trax, but I really can't remember. And for all fairness, here is Cass's picture from the same night (taken obviously very drunk, by me):

You look like a witch, girl!!! I am laughing so hard right now!!! Ha HAAAAAAAA! See Cass, this is why we cannot go out anymore!! We have no self control. I would like to apologize for your bucket picture, because I took that and I am sorry.

We were a train wreck that night and I bet we thought we were hot stuff! Was that the night I danced like a mad woman in 4 inch platforms with that ex-male stripper? Or was that the night we went Irish? Or did that happen on the same night? I don’t know, and that is bad. I do know that it was not the Paw People night, because that was the last night we were there. Man, 2005 had some wild holidays for us. Too bad we are old and settled now :(

For the rest of you, this drunkenness was a result of spending too much time around out of control children at Disney World during Christmas. I do not recommend this for the faint of heart. And now that Pleasure Island is closing and being replaced with family fair, there will be no escape!!!!

What? Estelle Getty? Golden Girls? Gotta Go!

2008-07-22T19:08:00.003-05:00

Jeeze, if you people could have seen me just running through my hall to get into my office to watch the Entertainment Tonight tribute to Estelle Getty a few minutes ago. Now I love me some Golden Girls, for sure. I remember watching it with my grandma Friday nights. Plus, the Golden Girls is one of the best examples shows that promote feminism, happily independent women, gay rights and realistically active elderly people. Tell me one gay man that does not love the Golden Girls. Seriously, tell me…
Anyhoo, little Sophia died. Sad!! She was so funny!!! But you would have thought a rabid bear was chasing me down the hall after I heard “tribute to Estelle Getty”. I am a nerd. But I’m ok with that.

On a lighter note (wow, I am playing newscaster today) isn’t this picture of my kitty Snickers kind of creepy? She is giving kind of a “now don’t fuck around” look, but on the other hand it kind of looks like she is a cross-eyed, mentally challenged cat.

Christmas in July, Part Two

2008-07-21T17:19:00.001-05:00

I am really glad that Colleenn over at The Big Orange Couch agrees with me that it sucks that Pleasure Island is closing to make room for more family crap at Disney! I am glad someone feels my pain! Other than Cass, who is automatically expected to agree (yeah hon, you know what (Irish) shit went on down there). I still have my booze bucket, on closing day I should have my own memorial service. There will be no bar tender to try and toss quarters down my shirt though. I suppose P. would not argue in the least bit if I asked him to toss change in my cleavage.

This Christmas, like the Christmas spent at Disney’s Pleasure Island, will be a drunken Christmas. Only in San Juan with some rum and the ocean. We have officially booked flights. And we have now found the cutest guest house on the beach. So we won’t have to wander the streets of San Juan during Christmas week. Oh! And our guest house has bikes for rent! YAY!

And maybe P. will finally get to meet Miguelito….

By the way, if any of you are planning to fly during Christmas, I suggest you book now. I booked 7/7/08 and the price has nearly doubled since then. My flight combo is not even available.

BadKat’s Guide to Life, The NAS is a Dumb Fucker Edition

2008-07-14T16:36:00.004-05:00

Ok, on the radio this morning I heard a blip about these comments NAS has been making as backlash for the comments Jesse Jackson made about Obama. We do not need people like Jesse Jackson and his activism because we have Barack Obama, NAS, David Banner and Young Jeezy? WHAT?!?!?!?

Can you even put Obama and Young Jeezy in a comparative sentence?

And now, come on, I may be willing to place Get Like Me on soundtrack of theme-songs for my life, but can you really place lyrics like “Stuntin’ is a habit (get like me), Have you ever seen a Chevy with a kit like me?” with the activism of Jesse Jackson and his peers? And at the same political level as Obama? I never knew that rapping about bling, bitches, oral sex and cars made you a political activist for the Democratic Party and the spokesperson for all minorities in the United States. I thought that was held down by the GOP.

NAS, really? You put yourself at the same level as Barack Obama and above Jesse Jackson? NAS, you are full of yourself and full of shit. Next thing you'll be telling us is that your wife should have won a Nobel Peace Prize for "Milkshake".

Why Are You Always Wearing That Fur Coat?

2008-07-13T16:51:00.001-05:00

This is why:

She needs a shave sooooooooo bad!! Should she get a Lion Cut like last time or a Mohawk?

Mornings with K., Chips in a Hat Edition

2008-07-10T17:08:00.004-05:00

So this guy gets on the bus this morning carrying a knit winter hat (like the cheap $1.99 Walmart kind). It was obviously filled with something, and he sat down and pulled a bag of chips out and started eating them. I wonder what made him decide to use his winter hat as a tote bag? Is he fashion forward and keeping up with the trends that others do not know about? Has he not heard of bags? Is he environmentally concerned and would rather get dual use out of his unneeded winter gear instead of using a old grocery store bag? Cass wanted me to watch and see if tomorrow he eats popcorn out of a mitten. I think that trail mix out of an earmuff would be funnier!

Also, this afternoon the skies cleared and it quit pouring just long enough for me to walk from the bus stop to my house. Nice!

I Am SOOOOOOOO With It

2008-07-07T21:37:00.004-05:00

I finally got a Facebook account. Whoa, I am such a modern gal up with the current trends in online communications. Actually, I just got it so that I could talk to my uncle more frequently. He travels a lot, and he is like a older brother to me (he is only 10 years older than me). So, if any of you want, hit me up so I can give you the email I am using to find me. Blog friends are welcome also!

Fatty Contracts Tail-itis, Again

2008-07-02T10:02:00.004-05:00

I have to take Fatty to the vet today because he got bit on his tail again and it is all infected. I can’t figure out what cat keeps biting him, or even if he maybe is doing it to himself or something. This little sucker, I swear. If he wouldn’t pick fights with cats half of his size, they would not have to defend themselves against him. But aw, isn’t he cute?

His buddy Fluffs loves him so much, but I think it is her that bites him. She only weighs about 7 pounds under all of that fur so she is no match for the 20 pound Fatty wonder! I would bite him too!

Christmas in July

2008-06-28T11:51:00.002-05:00

We have decided to take our vacation early this year. P. wants to avoid his family during Christmas altogether (long story). I would like to not have to go to seven different events for my families. I hate the cold, so it would be awesome to sit on the beach during Christmas. And Cass is getting married in our usual vacation month of February, and she basically needs me the entire month. So we are running off to our favorite place, San Juan, for Christmas. For the next 3-4 days I have to scour the internet (or as my grandma calls it, the intranet) for the very best deals on airfares to Puerto Rico during Christmas. Yes, it may sound rough, but I will reap the benefits when all of you suckers are stuck in the cold and snow spending uncomfortable time with your insane families (sorry Mom!).

Actually, it is going to be a chore. P. is going to fly out a week ahead of me, so I have to basically plan 2 itineraries. His flight is going to be like $400-$500, mine will be $700-$800. That totally sucks, but I can’t really take time off during fourth quarter, but I am finagling Christmas week. But this is why I am doing this six months in advance, so we won’t be paying $1000 per flight.

It will be awesome, like the Christmas Cass and I went to Disney World and spent Christmas week partying at Pleasure Island (Holy shit, which I just found out is closing, LAME), riding rides and shopping. No pressure, no family time, no running around to seven places because I come from a crazy mixed family and now have to also squeeze in one more event because I have a long-term boyfriend. No shopping starting in October, only gifts of rum, coffee mugs and key chains picked up in the shops of San Juan? Sounds awesome to me!

Rupaul for Me, Rupaul for You

2008-06-24T18:17:00.001-05:00

So, I’ve been getting the peer pressure from my boys to meet them at the Minneapolis GLBT Pride Festival this weekend. I have been hesitating because of the large crowds of drunken people, which I hate. And I hate spending money on cabs and such. But seriously, guess who is going to be there?!?!? Rupaul!!!!!!! Oh, man, do I love me some Rupaul! Always have, always will. Sassy, sexy, and pulled together more than most of the genetic women I know. Love you girl!!!

So, when J. was giving me the rundown of who was performing at pride and why I just HAD to go, I was like, “Dude, you had me at Rupaul”.

I am so excited to talk to my friend Stevee, because he is a drag-queen and is helping to run one of the stages. Oh shit, if he is working the Rupaul stage there will possibly be a news story about an arrest of an insane (but cute) blond woman trying to maul Rupaul at GLBT Pride for no apparent reason, other than because she has been fascinated by the drag-queen wonder since the age of 12.

I don’t know, there is something about gender neutrality that I am abnormally fascinated with and attracted to.

Celtics vs. Lakers: Game 6, A Study on the Logic of the American Male

2008-06-20T16:41:00.003-05:00

Suddenly blurted out while my #1 Kevin Garnett fan was watching the Celtics stomp the Lakers in game 6 of the NBA Finals: “This game is madness, should I have one more beer?”
Um, ok honey, but I do not see how one relates to the other. And if the Celtics were loosing, there would be no consideration of one more beer?

He also swears that the reason that the Celtics won every home game except one this season was because he wore his white Celtics jersey and grabbed my boobs before each game. He swears when they lost to Detroit he did not perform his wardrobe/sexual harassment ritual. Wow, there’s logic for you.

I Can SEEEEEEEEEE You!!!

2008-06-16T21:07:00.001-05:00

To all of you looking for graduation party ideas or what you should have at a graduation party, sorry that a Google search directed you here. Trust me, I will be of no help planning your party, other than teaching you how to sass off or create sarcastic scavenger hunts that allow you to laugh at people behind their backs. So I may be a little help…

To the lovely person (if you ever return) who was directed here with the keywords “boyfriend scavenger hunt”, I hope that this idea worked out for you, and I hope it was not going on at a bar with any sort of cocktails, or your scavenger hunt finds could be drastically distorted by the booze. Just a thought!!

Ahhhhhh, I love analytic software!

Sad Day

2008-06-14T08:44:00.002-05:00

I am totally and completely bummed by the death of Tim Russert. He was awesome, and he was so excited to do what he loved. I wish I could be like that. Plus, he was so excited about the election (something I do not share). I feel that his contribution is going to be sorely missed. I hope they pop Andrea Mitchell in for him, I like her. But it will never be the same.

The worst was to watch all the people get on the news to talk about him, red eyed and smeared makeup. Men and women alike were near or in tears, which gave me great comfort to know that American gender norms did not prevent these people from expressing grief. But seeing all of his friends and colleagues brought back a lot of bad feelings from when T. died. I know how they felt, having a friend just die out of nowhere. I have felt that mix of shock, confusion, disbelief, anger and complete sorrow. And I would not wish it upon anyone. I feel for his family, who seems entirely lovely. I am sorry for all those who loved him. I am sorry for his family. It is a sad day for American journalism.

Mashed Potato Madness

2008-06-12T19:52:00.004-05:00

My mother, I swear. She thinks that food, mainly mashed potatoes, will cure all. Break up with your man? Try mashed potatoes. Bad day? She’ll mash you up some taters. Tired? Those carbs will pick you right back up. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach? Pepto Bismol? I think not; it’s mashed potatoes. I do not know what it is with this woman and her damn mashed potatoes, but I swear I have seen her worship a potato masher. I think it is her version of a rosary. Instead of praying, she mashes.

And the worst thing yet, she weighs about 4 pounds. How does this woman eat so many mashed potatoes (yes, she does practice what she preaches) and not start looking like mashed potatoes herself? And she eats them with gravy and butter and salt and cheese and cottage cheese and sour cream and basically everything that makes you fat or retain water. But damn, this is making me want some of mom’s potatoes. But this is the problem. I think I may be inheriting her obsession. Today at work, someone had a stomach ache and I told them that they should eat some mashed potatoes; then proceeded to pull a personal sized packet of instant mashed potatoes from my desk drawer. Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me? Thanks mom, thanks a lot.

I have never typed mashed potatoes as many times in my life!

ACK!

2008-06-09T17:02:00.000-05:00

So, I am innocently walking down the hallway into my office, fiddling with my bike lock when my foot squished into some cat puke. Now, I will tell you, Mondays are not made better by stepping into cat puke 10 minutes after you get home. Especially when you have to scrub off-white carpet afterwards. I wish I could teach my cats to vomit in the toilet or a trashcan. But I cant even get P. to do that!

Happy 50th Birthday, Prince Roger Nelson!!

2008-06-06T17:01:00.004-05:00

Some of you may know, I am an avid Prince fan. I wont post a pic of him, because he may try and sue me. But anyway, call him what you want, hate him, love him, whatever. The fact is that he is a brilliant musician and song-writer. And there is something about his androgyny and blatant sexuality that has always intrigued and attracted me. Damn you and you sexiness, Roger! I heard and saw things from you that a young child never should see. And I thank you!!

Plus, as a native Minneapolis girl, I could possibly be burned at the stake at First Ave if I denounce the great Prince.

So, in honor of the 50th birthday of Prince Roger Nelson tomorrow, I give you my top eleven (although it should be seven but I can't narrow it down anymore) favorite Prince songs. This is my no means a limitation to my Price jams, but I could go on forever about which are the best and why I think so.
And I know, I cannot exclude the other talent that Prince has showcased: Vanity 6, Apollonia 6, The Revolution (YAY, Lisa and Wendy!), The New Power Generation, Sheila E., and many others!! But it is Roger’s special day, bitches!

I Would Die 4 U
Little Red Corvette (Baby, I’m much too fast)
7
17 Days
Purple Rain (as always, dedicated to my best friend, who passed away October 2006)
Take Me With U
Darling Nikki
Gett Off!
Raspberry Beret
U Got the Look
I Wanna Be Your Lover

What I Do with My Newly Aquired Time

2008-05-28T11:29:00.003-05:00

Things I have done since graduation:

Scrubbed my house, three times. Living with men is nasty, I warn anyone who is lucky enough never to have been cursed with living with an unclean male.
Screamed about how I need to quit my job because cleaning up after P. is a full time job.
Cleaned out the closets in my bedroom and office. I have a bunch of stuff to sell on eBay, if I ever quit being lazy and get it listed.
Paid off the majority of my credit card debt thanks to generous graduation gifts and G-Dub’s Economic Stimulus payment. Which, by the way, came paper check even though I direct deposited. It also came about a month early, if you go off of the official payment schedule. This Economic Stimulus plan reeks of country bumkin-ness, right down to it’s Crawford, TX sounding name.
Bought $500.00 in purses thanks to the aforementioned stimuli to my checking account. One of these purses was bought on peer-pressure. I was told, “Just buy the damn purse, how long did you just spend in school? You deserve it.” Damn gay men, using fashion as a peer-pressure tactic! You know who you are too!!
Bought the majority of clothes and beauty products I will need for the summer. And I got a new umbrella that I can actually carry around. Now I only have to use my full sized one when it is all day downpours.
Used my gift card to the bike shop to get a shmancy new bike. It is lime green with a black water-bottle cage and had to be special ordered. P.’s car broke on the way to pick it up yesterday and it is still at the bike shop, waiting for me to give it a loving home. The damn water bottle cage cost me $10. A kick-stand cost me $12. What the hell is up with that? After I dropped $468 on a bike, not including the 7.15% sales tax. Ass-holes. But I still think my new bike is awesome!!
Wrote all of my thank you cards, but I have not mailed them. I think I will do that today.

Now all I have to do is take care of some random student loan crap, figure out when I want to go to grad school and buy a beach pass. I am holding out, because my summer weather prediction is telling me that it will be cool and not so beachy. I guess we will see!

Graduation Party Scavenger Hunt

2008-05-13T19:25:00.003-05:00

I came up with this awesome party game for my graduation party. It is the Graduation Party Scavenger Hunt, complete with insane family members, friends and coworkers!
Give me some ideas of what prizes could be!!!!

My dad looking uncomfortable
My step-mother giving my mom the stank eye
My brother talking about himself or weird political/government/global conspiracy theories
My other brother complaining a lot and generally being a whiny bitch
My boyfriend’s mom looking like she wants to be anywhere but there
My boyfriend and best friend’s boyfriend talking about nothing but sports
My boss making uncomfortable small talk with ex-girlfriend’s (and co-worker)
new fiancé
My sister looking sad that her creepy Lurch/Stringbean looking boyfriend can’t be there because he has a crappy attitude and is completely uncool
My sister talking on her cellular phone to her completely uncool boyfriend with a crappy attitude
My step-father attempting not to choke my aunt’s boyfriend’s frail, feminine neck

Every copy is like this, with no one's names on it. That way if someone not privy finds one, I can play it off on someone else. Assholes!!!

Adventures in Del Monte Fruit Chillers

2008-05-07T10:22:00.001-05:00

P. got a gigantic case of Del Monte Fruit Chillers the last time we went to Costco, which was in early March. The case was half Strawberry and half Mango. He informed me today that he was going to try the Mango ones because he ate all of the Strawberry ones. My first thought was, “hey dumbass, why didn’t you just buy a couple of small packs of Strawberry ones at Cub Foods if you did not intend to eat the Mango ones”. I kept my mouth shut, only after he said that he was testing new fields and gave me the most retarded smile I have ever seen in my life. I was too busy laughing.
Here was the conversation that happened later on:

P.: “Yeah, those Mango Fruit Chillers are good”
Me: “Yeah, they were ok for you?”
P.: Yep, they were good; they tasted just like the Strawberry, only Mango”

Whoa, I am laughing my ass off writing this! And he was totally being serious! My lord, I wonder sometimes about this man!

Garage Sale Treasures May 3rd Edition

2008-05-06T08:43:00.002-05:00

So I was at the annual festival of garage sales the other day and I came across a huge box of books. Guess what books? A bunch of series like the Baby-Sitters Club, Sweet Valley Kids and Twins, and a bunch of more random books like Blubber and Nothings Fair in Fifth Grade. I bought nothing. Damn that economic stimulus. It was not here a week early for me so I could not spend it on garage sale books. Plus, they were like $.75 cents each and I was not feeling like bargaining. If they were $.10-$.25 each, I would have forked over the cash, at least for the Judy Blume and "Claudia and the Bad Joke". But come on; is “Little Miss Stoneybrook…And Dawn” really worth $.75? I think not…

Graduation Day Reflection

2008-05-01T15:15:00.002-05:00

I graduate college today, in case you are new here…

Well, it still does not feel real. I have my grades back and can officially graduate! Why am I not more excited? Why is the uncertainty overpowering the pride of accomplishment and satisfaction of completion? I worked really hard, and at times thought that I would never get here. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I get over this feeling and be happy? Ugh!

What will I do with my time? I am trying to figure this out. Keeping busy will help. I have picked up as many extra hours at work as will allow me to keep my sanity. I am hoping to get out on my bike more, and try and get a steady eBay business going. I hope that everything works out and falls into place! I guess we will see!

Conversations from the Loony Bin

2008-04-30T15:12:00.001-05:00

An actual discussion in my house last night while watching the NBA playoffs:

Me (with Van Halen’s “Jump” playing in the background of the game), sarcastically: “Is this your favorite song of all time?”

P.: “Hell no, I hate everything about Van Halen and everything that they stand for!”

Me (confused): “What exactly does Van Halen ‘stand for’?”

P.: “Well, let’s see…Stonewashed jeans, screaming like women, bad hair, yellow spandex and Sammy Hagar.”

Me (laughing hysterically): “Stonewashed jeans and yellow spandex huh?”

P.: “Well, mostly just Sammy Hagar wearing yellow spandex.”

This is why I love this man. He hates stonewashed jeans (which, BTW, the Today Show style editor claims is back big time. Insert vomiting here…) and spandex just as much as I do.

DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION 2008: 1!!! Everyone, please feel free to start sending gifts and money!!

Huh, I'm a Graduate?

2008-04-29T18:04:00.002-05:00

DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION: 2

DAYS UNTIL I GET MY GRADES AND CAN OFFICAILLLY GRADUTATE: 4

All of my work has been turned in for almost a week and last weekend I was bored out of my mind. Now, I have 5 days off work and nothing to keep me preoccupied.

Yet the whole graduation thing has not set in yet. I worked so hard for so long; I would think that it would be more gratifying than this. Maybe it will on Thursday night.

I am getting my hair cut tomorrow, and boy do I need it. My hair is tore up! I am going to have to listen to my stylist bitch about how I have not been in since January. Oh well, maybe he should call me a harass me to come in. I need to make sure I look really good for any pictures people will be taking on Thursday.

D-O-N-E! DONE! DONE! DONE!

2008-04-25T16:11:00.004-05:00

Whoa, never thought that it would happen! I am DONE with all of the work to complete my undergraduate degree. To all of you who are still in college, I sympathize. But be happy for me, because the rewards are even sweeter because a lot of people never thought that I would ever go to college (the whole structure thing) let alone have a degree obtained with high honors. And I am going into a master's program. Ha fuckers, see me now?

ALL WORK DUE: 4

WORK LEFT TO DO:

NONE!!!!! Except to get stupefyingly drunk on May 1st (paid for by dad).
Wait for grades to be posted so I can officially call myself a graduate.

DAYS UNTIL I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE: 6!!!!!!!

The Dilemma, PayPal Edition

2008-04-22T17:42:00.000-05:00

Major conundrum here…Is it schoolwork that I should be doing? No. Is it the fact that my house has not been thoroughly cleaned since Feb.? Uh Ah. The real dilemma is whether I should transfer the balance of my PayPal account into my bank account, or should I leave it in there to spend on eBay (which is something I undoubtedly will do). Agh, decisions. My life is just AWFUL (So kidding…)

I should really be focusing on this last paper. THE LAST ONE! I will start it tomorrow so it should be done by Saturday at the latest.

DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION: 9 (Single digits, oh shit!!)

Holy Crap! I Am Almost Done!

2008-04-21T16:47:00.002-05:00

I truly never thought that the day I would graduate would finally come. When I transferred from the community college to the state university, I looked at the number of credits I had compared to the number I needed and almost soiled myself. I thought that it would never happen. I also did not think that I would ever complete my math credits. I was the senior in the freshman math class, YIKES. But here I am, an A in statistics later, almost soiling myself because I am almost done! Done, done, done. What am I going to do this summer? It will be the first summer I have not had classes in 3 years. And I will not start my master’s program until January. Fuck, what I am going to do for the next 7 months?

ALL WORK DUE:

8 Days

WORK LEFT TO DO:

Read classmate's history paper and comment on one thing I learned from it (gag me, what is this a 100 level class? )
One paper, while reading the last book (read earlier post if you want details)
Finish last 3 days of lymph fast
Get Hammered, May 1st, Dad's Tab

DAYS UNTIL I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE: 11

14 Days, and Counting Some Moree

2008-04-17T23:37:00.002-05:00

I am crunching like Nestle. Holy shit, that could be in a rap song. There was a duck outside my bedroom window this morning quacking away. I love ducks and now all of the super cute baby ones will be around.

Hey, anybody want to write a paper for me?

All Work Due:

12 Days

Work Left to Do:

9-12 page paper. Topic Chosen: Perpetuation of Domestic and Cultural Violence in Central and South American Latina Literature.
Read 1 compilation book and 2 novels to write 9-12 page paper.
Go on 5 Day Lymph Fast eating only lean meat, vegetables and fruit.
Get hammered May 1st. On Dad's tab.

GRADUATION DAY: 14 Days

Graduation, 16 Days and Counting!

2008-04-15T17:48:00.004-05:00

I am in the midst of the final homework crunch of my undergraduate career. If I make it here, I can make it anywhere. Considering I have dealt with much more. The worst of which included Fall 2006 semester, when I had 4 times as much work while I was dealing with the untimely and unsettling death of my best friend. This is a piece of cake (yum, cake) compared to that. I will persevere!!!!!

All Work Due:

2 weeks from today

Work Left To Do:

10 page book review (crappy book) For my Race and Gender in American History course.
9-12 page paper on a topic of my choosing regarding Latina Literature. Topic has yet to be chosen.
Read 2 1/2 more Latina Literature compilations and 2 fictional novels to write 9-12 page paper with topic yet to be chosen.
Drink a lot on May 1st. I warned my parents, who insist on taking me out for dinner after the ceremony, that I will be getting smashed. I also welcomed my step-mother to join me because it is her birthday and she has to sit at a boring and crappy grad ceremony. And my dad will sober drive.

GRADUATION DAY: 16 Days

Amber, Will You Gag Me With Your Rock of Love?

2008-04-14T16:56:00.002-05:00

Ok, since Bret picked Amber, there is a whole lot less to bitch about. Amber actually seems like someone I would be friends with. Granted, I would probably be friends with Daisy too, if her face promised not to fall off in my coffee or anything like that.

I never intended this to be a recap. That would mean that I would have to pay full attention to the show in its entirety. I think not.

Here were my favorite (and most nauseating) moments:

I do not think that I have heard the word “SEXY” so much in one hour. This is sexy, that is sexy, I am sexy, you are sexy, you are not sexy. I never thought I would long for dumb-ass Paris Hilton and her “That’s Hot” crap. This would be the first.
Bret used the same “CHECK PLEASE” line with both women, gave them both the same exact necklace and then fucked them both. NICE. Way to shake it up and keep us on our toes, Bretty. And way to spread STDs.
The best line in the whole show? Said by Amber, “surgery can make me hotter, surgery can’t make Daisy hotter”. Awesome! I am still laughing!!!

That’s really all, like I said; it totally threw me for a loop that Amber actually won. Maybe Bret does have a smidgen of taste. I think he was afraid that Daisy was too young after the whole Jess ordeal last season. But we will see, the reunion show is next week. I will watch the last 15 minutes only so that I can catch if they broke up or not. I am guessing yes, anyone else??

Oh, and if anyone else thinks that it must be TOTAL coincidence that this season coincided with the release of his new album, please validate me!!

Gag Me with Some "Rock of Love", Part Two

2008-04-13T21:34:00.000-05:00

Oopsies!! I forgot to watch Rock of Love, sparing myself from agony and questioning my feminist ideals for at least another 2 hours when they replay it. Plus, by then P. will be asleep so he won’t be able to gripe at me about reality television and the dumbening of America. I hope Daisy’s face doesn’t fall off before the end of the show. But I think we should be safe, I saw he chin implant quivering on the previews.

Anyway, I will most likely watch this later, so I will express my utter horrification tomorrow (most likely). Cass, I will email you in the morning so please do not text me with any details tonight.

PART 3 TO FOLLOW SOON!!!!!

Gag Me with Some "Rock of Love"

2008-04-12T11:41:00.002-05:00

Everyone remember to watch Rock of Love tomorrow and wallow in its cheesiness (and Bret Michael’s bad “hair” accessories). I usually only watch the last 15 minutes of this show, but I might watch these women whore themselves out for a balding an aging “Rock God” for the entire hour.

Please feel free to comment here tomorrow, I am going to try and post after the A.M. showing if I can catch it. Everyone should list their favorite Bret hair moment. Or their favorite whoring-it-up moment. Or! Their favorite Daisy’s-face-almost-falls-apart moment!

Oh, and I love on the preview how Daisy claims that she can’t see why Bret would want Amber because she is old. Amber is like 7 years younger than Bret himself. And honey, Bret looks old. And bald.

OOOOOOH! 38 is soooooooooooooo oooooooolllllllldddd. I would have never guessed that cutey Amber was 38, looking good hot stuff! And obviously Bret did not either, because he didn’t find out until Amber’s dad busted her out! To bad Daisy’s face will fall apart before she gets to be 38.

I am so voting for Amber, but I somehow think that Daisy and her hypnotic beauty will overpower Bret’s cold and unprotected head.

I know! I am such a bitch! ;) But will you guys be my “Rock of Love” anyway? We can always break up before the reunion.

Graduation, 19 Days and Counting!

2008-04-12T11:21:00.001-05:00

On another note to all of you (or couple of you), I am graduating in 19 days and I am trying to complete 2 projects that have to be in on 4/19 and 4/29. So I am sorry if my hilarity is crucial to your well being (yeah, right), but I will not be posting as often. My brain cannot come up with funny scenarios while I am trying to complete a 20 page literary analysis using foreign textbooks. And nothing really interesting or frustrating is happening to me lately, since I am neck-deep into schoolwork. Sorry! But I will try and at least keep up on the reading and commenting, and I am going to a party tonight, so we’ll see if anything blog-worthy happens there. Otherwise, please check back every once and awhile, I have not gone away. I truly love you all, and I also feel sad inside when you do not post for awhile :)

GRADUATION COUNTDOWN: 19 days.

Hey ALK, you need to come pick up your invite to my party, I am not wasting using a stamp on you!

eBay Maddness!

2008-04-12T11:19:00.001-05:00

So I decided to finally list some stuff on eBay. I have been talking a lot of shit about selling stuff because I am constantly thrift shopping and finding awesome deals on new crap I could easily turn around and sell easily. So I decided to put a bunch of stuff on there, some clothes and cosmetics I do not wear. Also, P. has a bunch of Tyvek Tape left over from some job, so he wants to start selling it (HEY, if anyone knows anyone in need of a shit-load of Tyvek Sealing Tape, hit me up).

The only things people want are: my used perfume, a unopened box of Urban Decay mascara, and that damn tape. Now, I thought the cute clothing lots of new or semi-used (barely) clothing would get snatched up. That is what I am always looking for on eBay. Not open bottles of perfume and crappy, over priced mascara. But I guess there is still 3 days left on this stuff!

TV Haiku for You!

2008-04-03T19:48:00.004-05:00

No particular reason I did this list, boredom I guess. There is not particular reason I chose these shows, other than that they came to mind. And I could think up clever (although bad and poorly written) Haiku for them. If you love, star in or produce any of these shows, please do not take me too seriously. Also, if you are a Haiku fan, Sorry! Lack of sleep and too much school work has made me this way! Can anyone tell that I am avoiding writing paper's?

South Park/Dancing with the Stars
I do love South Park
but hate Dancing with the Stars
it sucks Cartman’s balls.

Rock of Love
Bret Michaels my dear
what is up under those hats
and bad bandanna’s?

America’s Next Top Model
Where is the Tyra
I knew back in the nineties
oh where did you go?

Project Runway
No knocked up Heidi
the winner was Christian
it was a great one!

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Kim Kardashian
why do you continue to
torture and annoy?

Locked Up Abroad
Foreign prison sucks
do not smuggle contraband
is the lesson learned.

Bad Girls Club
Bad girls go away
you set bad examples with
your nasty antics

Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant
Scott Baio thinks that
men can get pregnant so he
is a stupid man.

Awesomely Awesome People, MLK Edition

2008-04-03T18:06:00.003-05:00

Please keep Martin Luther King Jr. in your mind, particularly tomorrow which will be the 40th anniversary of his death. His mission for civil rights and civil justice affects many, well beyond the Civil Rights Movement. The ideals of Civil Rights Movement directly correlates to other movements that I am strongly involved in, for women’s and GLBT rights. I know that things would be much different for many if he had not been involved in the work that he did. And his wife, Coretta Scott King, was a role model for women everywhere, picking herself up from tragedy and continuing the legacy of those who worked so hard to gain rights for social “others”.

Thank You, my Dear People, for all that you accomplished!!

Here’s Some Pants, Love Mom

2008-04-03T17:57:00.002-05:00

So, my mom and her skinny ass bought some jeans that were too big. She claims that for what she paid for them on mega-clearance, it was not worth the gas to drive back to the mall to return them. So she drives twice as far to bring them to me at work. But I’ve got to love her for her motherly love and awesomeness anyway. M!O!M! Go Mom!

Do you know what I hate about pants these days? Low rise, a.k.a., butt crack pants. These pants she gave me advertise on the label, “lower slung waist for a new flattering fit”. Yeah, right. Now, I consider myself to be pretty average. I am a yo-yo size, up and down every week. At my worst, I am a 13-14, at my best, I am a 9-10. But I am just one of those people that does not look good thin, I am very hippy and booby. So, with my hips and ass “lower slung waist for a new flattering fit” usually means muffin top or camel toe. The pants do fit, but just barely. And I need to wear them around the house to break them in before I dare go outside in them.

My question? Why, Why, Why are all cute pants low-rise unless they are some extra-high waist mom pants (although not my mom obviously)? Why do women feel the need to have their panties and ass-cracks hanging out? It is not cute, it is trashy. And nasty.

Random, Boring Tuesday Night Thoughts

2008-04-01T20:10:00.003-05:00

So, since all of the snow melted it decided to snow again. I got about 5 inches, my parents about 3 miles away got 9 inches. I refuse to shovel; there is no way, no how. Not happening, sister! Luckily, it will al be melted by tomorrow. I should know firsthand, I had to dodge ice chunks falling from trees and water pouring off awnings whenever I walked outside today. Crappy. And now everything is muddy again. Extra crappy. Oh well, I give up. I am so over it. At least I got a new pink in-between jacket that makes me look more cheerful, I guess.

Fatty’s tail seems to be doing better today. Of course this does not apply when I am forcing him to swallow pills and putting wet compresses on his tail. I really wish I knew which one of those little fuckers did this to him. Like I would do anything anyway, which is why my cats do not fear me.

Last, I am so sick of other people’s children, it is not even funny. No Mar, not yours. But you successfully control yours. And you do not let them scream and yell in public, making an ass out of everyone seen in their company. I just want to strangle most children. And their mothers.

I am going to go watch Twins vs. Angels and eat taco bake.

Poor Fatty's Tail-itis, Part Two

2008-03-31T16:01:00.005-05:00

So we took poor Fatty to the vet because he was messing with his tail, it was black and blue swollen, and it has a laceration on it. Guess what? One of the other cats bit the shit out of his tail, and it got infected and really gross. My poor guy!!! Next time I am not listening to the vet when they say I can wait, even though I love our vet and think he is awesome. Now he has to have anti-biotic and we have to warm compress his tail. Oh, my poor baby guy! I feel awful. Now I wonder which one bit him.

The suspects:

Snickers: Calico Shorthair, loves trash and human food

Fluffs: Tortoise Shell Persian, loves to steal out of your purse

Yes, they may be precious and fuzzy and soft, but they are really evil kitty's who use their teeth for their own satisfaction. Assholes!!!

Morning Thoughts, Sin Cafeína

2008-03-29T08:55:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone, remember that you should turn all of your lights and electric stuff off tonight for Earth Hour from 8-9pm (in your own time zone)!!

Why am I up so early? Because of the phone. Thank you Wells Fargo, assholes. You can’t wait until 9 or 10 until you start calling? Not like it was an important situation that needed an early Saturday morning call.

At least I am up early enough to watch Locked Up Abroad on The National Geographic Channel. Totally AWESOME show, I wish they would do a Dominican version because the prisons down there are SHITTY!!!!! Like, they do not feed you until after your sentencing and there are 50 guys in one room with one hole in the middle for a toilet Shitty!!

I need coffee before I become monstrous. Everyone who knows me is well aware of what a lovely morning person I am. P. wont even talk to me until I have had at least 1 cup of coffee. I just need to decide if I want Nicaraguan or Dominican coffee. HUM......

ACK, What is That Smell?!?

2008-03-29T08:46:00.002-05:00

Last night, I stumbled into my office. I was drinking with the boys (AKA, P.’s friends and college basketball) and I needed to Google something to settle an argument. Got to love Google. I was in the shower the other day wondering what the hell I would ever do without Google.

Anyhow, when I walked into the room, there was one of the oddest and worst smells that I have ever come across in my life. It smelled like a brewery that also distilled perfume. ACK! What the fuck! Well, sniffing out the source, I had found that one of the guys (most likely you SR), had knocked their half-full beer (oh, optimism there) off of the desk and into the trash, which happened to contain a few perfume samples from my Ulta mailing. Uck! I would not recommend mixing beer and fragrance as part of a new air freshening campaign.

But at least you dumped it into the trash instead of onto my white carpet, I will give you credit for that…

Thoughts on Recaps, Shuffle me up Friday

2008-03-28T16:53:00.001-05:00

So, out of the 2 dozen or so blogs I regularly read, about 10 of those are recaps blogs of some sort, ranging from books, random TV series and movies. I am getting a bit jealous that all of you recap people out there have something that interests (or amuses) you enough to write thorough and hilarious recaps. Seriously, nothing interests me enough to be able to keep my attention span going. I would buy the entire series of books to recap, and then find ways to put it off. And my reasons would be totally lame. I can’t blog today because I am brushing the cats. Oh, no, there will not be a recap this week because there are 5 Law and Order episodes I have already seen on the TBS mini-marathon tonight. I am totally lame like that.

Even though I have things that I loved from my childhood, I have done a lot to escape that time in my life. Childhood is too controlled and structured for me; I do not work like that. Perhaps this is why I do not remember specifics to books that I read as a kid. Because reading was just an excuse for not having to pay attention or listen to my parents. Or ignore my siblings (sorry AKL, I could have been burning you with a curling iron or something).

Maybe my recap destiny will bring me to something that keeps my interest and is not totally lame for my readers. I do not think my weather recaps are cutting it, I can only bitch and moan about the snow for so long, considering most of it is gone now (YAY! YAY! Triple YAY!). Plus the weather recaps are starting to annoy me; I can’t imagine how anyone else feels.

Well, this may not be a recap, but here’s a shuffle for ya!

1- Dyslexic Heart by Paul Westerberg
2- Jane Says by Jane’s Addiction
3- I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston (Oh Shit AKL!)
4- Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado
5- Hot Child in the City by Nick Gilder
6- Let’s Groove by Earth, Wind & Fire
7- Jump! by The Pointer Sisters
8- Take Me with U by Prince
9- Careless Whisper by George Michael
10- Tainted Love by Soft Cell

The Cat in Question

2008-03-27T17:13:00.010-05:00

So, I figured those of you who do not directly know R.J.H would like to see him:
When we went to get him from the Humane Society, P. wanted this little gray, fuzzy cat. But I could not resist R.J.H and his huge ears and eyes, and his teeny-tiny meow. He also costs a fortune; he always seems to have digestive issues (or tail issues) and is always having to go to the vet. He has the feline version of IBS, and the only special diet he approves is super expensive (this from the woman that will spend ¾ of her paycheck at Ulta and DSW).
Age: 6
Nicknames: Fatty, Mr. J, Mr. Brown, J.J., Honeycat.
Breed: domestic short-hair
Color: brown tabby with white (no, that is not the same as a brown and white tabby)
Weight: 20lb
Size: He is a large cat even despite his 20lb status, and he is the classic big, fat man with a little head and little voice. He towers over the other two cats, and my friend has a Pekinese that is pretty much the same size as him.
R.J.H. loves: catnip, eating, tuna, sleeping, terrorizing his owner for things they cannot understand, terrorizing other cats for reasons also not understood, laying on body-pillows, toy mice, cat chew toys, chewing up paper, having his picture taken, giving smooches, sleeping under the blankets.
R.J.H. hates: hugs, being held, doing “The Kitty-Cat Dance”, wearing animal clothing, the vacuum, plastic bags crinkling, Duck and Green Pea cat food (any brand), cat treats, not having open windows and blinds, not being fed on time.

I guess I should get around to the other cats too, they might get jealous. The worst behaved cat I own (and in the world) is the one plotting on the chicken in the picture in my profile. She is awful, but loved beyond deserving.

Thanks from a Warm Kitty Heart Melting Away the Snow!

2008-03-27T16:43:00.004-05:00

Thanks to all that have sympathy for poor kitty :( He really is doing fine!! CAS, you know he does not like hugs, but thanks for the email anyway! We still need to be on the lookout for an “I Love Hugs” cat t-shirt. V., I do not think that he would behave for acupuncture; he might bite the poor vet. And AKL, I love you my dear sister, but no way will he wear a tail-splint. Although you all crack my ass up!! Love you guys. To those in my blog life, thanks for your sympathy, the love will all be passed on to the spoiled and overfed blob lying at my feet, not seeming at all concerned about his tail.
On a weather note (come on, you know I cannot go without bitching about the weather like and old man), LOOK AT MY YARD!!!!!

The snow is disappearing before my eyes!!! Two days ago, it was only bare right around my trees! YAY! Double YAY!! YAY, YAY, YAY! Here comes the sun dodododo, here comes the sun and I say, “It’s alright!” Time to start plotting shoes.

Oh, Bren, you are super-cute, how you called today asking why you could not find the Ulta coupon online. It is spring preview time, so they only send them out to VIP customers like me, who spend way too much there! I have one for you that I will not use before it will expire, and you do not have to ask in a secret (dolphin) language ;) I will bring it with me tomorrow.

Poor Fatty's Tail-itis

2008-03-26T15:04:00.005-05:00

My male cat R.J.H., a.k.a. "Fatty" (due to his 20lb status), has a lump in his tail. When I called his vet, they said it was either 1) a broken tail, 2) a dislocated tail, 3) an abscess. None of these things are things that they can do much about, especially if he isn't showing any kind of irritation from it. Which he is not. It only seems to bother him when we touch it. I wonder what happened? I would feel so bad if he had gotten stepped on and had his tail broken!!!! And with as many people that go in and out of my house, it could have innocently happened and P. and I would never know. He is always demanding and underfoot anyway. The best was when P. kept ignoring him so he ran up and bit the top of P.'s foot all crazy like. He loves me too much and would never bite me.

But anyway, poor kitty! I feel awful! The vet said that if it does not get better and 2 weeks that we should bring him in. Oh the joys of putting that blob of fat and fur in a carrier!

It's Still Winter!

2008-03-26T15:02:00.002-05:00

Sitting in my home office, I have seen the snow melt away today. Normally, this would be an auspicious occasion with cause for finding the first pair of open-toed shoes that I will wear as soon as it hits 60 degrees. But today, not so much. Why the foul mood towards the melting snow? Because it is supposed to snow tomorrow. I know, it is supposed to warm up next week, I’ll believe that when I see it. Enough with the winter weather already, it is almost April. I need something new to talk about. Like all of the warm weather activities and events that I will participate in.
Please let the Weather Channel’s prediction be correct (yeah, right) with only a 20% chance of snow. I wish it would just rain; the snow will melt in a day anyway. This sucks ass.

On a school note, I have just completed ½ of the work for my graduate level literature class; a paper (short book) titled “Literary Examples of Male Dominated Gender Roles of Caribbean Latinas”. I have not decided the subject or title to the next one, which will complete the course. For once in my educational career, I am actually ahead. I figure by about a week, but it is hard to tell because everything is independent study.

Oh, when I graduate the real fun starts. Studying for graduate school entrance exams and dropping major dollars in application fees. I am glad my new schedule proposal was approved at work so at least I will have some extra cash.

Graduation countdown starts in 1 week, be prepared…

Horai, Bring Spring or Suck it Hard!!!!

2008-03-24T16:24:00.002-05:00

I swear, this blog is soon to be re-titled soon, to “Let’s bitch about today’s weather blog”.

WHAT THE FUCK!!??!! This weather needs to suck it hard AND go fuck itself. Whoh, duble whammy, I must be really pissed!
No, I do not have Tourette’s Syndrome. Well, maybe weather related Tourette’s Syndrome. But if it does not warm up soon, you may hear about the crazy blond chick in Minneapolis that went on a rampage, killing all weather-people and meteorologists in the state. I can see the headlines now:

“Crazy woman, 26, brutally attacks Twin Cities news-weather teams due to frustrations over spring forecasts”.

Watch out Belinda Jensen, you bitch ;) I swear she gets drunk before she predicts the weather anyway, Boozy-Floozy.

Well, do you blame me? This is the first Easter we have had this kind of snow cover since 1975. I want spring, and going to the Dominican Republic for a week in February did not help the itch (no, perverts, not that kind of itch). I really just want to see leaves and grass, I am not even asking for any weather above 65 degrees (yet). So please Horai, enough with the winter, spring PLEASE! Use your earth-goddess, season changing powers to make a poor little (cold) girl happy, warm and tan.

Someone asked me yesterday what I was doing in this state, being that I am such a beach/sun-baby. My answer? Getting a cheap education so I can make money somewhere else. So suck it hard!!!

Here Comes Peter Cotten Tail, Hoppin' Down the Bunny Trail

2008-03-22T20:11:00.011-05:00

I love Easter! I always have!! It has nothing to do with Jesus, as I am not technically Christian, but I do love these Christian holidays!!! Candy, Gifts, Cute outfits!!! Especially Easter, with its special attire of frills and pastels! And I love Victorian greeting cards!

Hey, I may be a feminist but that does not mean that I cannot love girly things. It’s MY choice. Although and Easter dress or cute shoes is out of the question due to the 3 days of snow that just fell, I did dig out a really cute minty green wrap sweater to wear. Now I just have to find shoes to wear. That is going to be the hard part. Anyhow, I have gotten my card from Grandma with $5 in it (Love Ya Grandma, you are the best ever!!!). Hey, $5 is $5! It is like I am 10 all over again every time I get a card from her. I hope some candy is on the way!!! P. ate all of the Nerds Bumpy Jelly Beans that I brought home. I hope someone gets me an Easter Nerds Rope. I love those things!

The only crappy part is that I have to muster up the self-control energy not to scream at my extra annoying family. I am spending as little time possible with these people, ass holes. Except you Grandma!!! Oh, and you too Mom!!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE, WISH FOR SPRING!!!!!!

The Wire

2008-03-18T19:37:00.001-05:00

Yes, you do need to watch The Wire. One of the best shows, especially the first 2 seasons. Sometimes seasons 3-5 got a tad ridiculous, but they were still better than half of the crap on television.

I guess it can be ordered through Netflix easily and On Demand usually shows episodes.

Highly recommended!!!

March, In Like a Lion, Out Like a, HUH?

2008-03-18T19:35:00.001-05:00

I really should be writing a paper right now. But I am not. For some reason I cannot focus on important things. Instead I am intently focused on reading my daily favorite blogs, updating my own blog, and painting my nails I'm India Mood for Love by OPI. I like Black Cherry Chutney better.

So there is 2 weeks left in March, no sign of warm weather. Fuck this. I am listing to P. the next time he insists we move to Puerto Rico within the next 3 years.

Where is the warm March Easters of my childhood? Maybe I am just crazy and they never really happened! I just remember that most of the time it seemed warm. This year there will be no cute dress, but I swear I am wearing open toe shoes!!

So if March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb, than what the hell is this? A tortoise? A snail? Oh, how about March comes in like a lion and out like a barnacle? I think I have a new catch phrase for March!

Buh-Bye Wire!!!! Part 2

2008-03-12T16:38:00.003-05:00

OK, so I was not disappointed with the series finale, although it would have been nice if they would have spread out the exciting episodes more, rather than have the season drag on with the boring stuff, only to have all of the exciting, pertinent stuff be a little more detailed. I still don't understand what the hell Marlo was doing at the end, and their description of what really happened to McNulty (aka Mr Hottie Pants) and Lester (other than he is still with the stripper from season 1 and he still likes dollhouse crafting). But, they definitely rounded things out, and concluded things in an uncomplicated manner. Everyone took someone else's place. Bubs took the place of his AA leader; Michael became Omar; Dukie became Bubs; Monk took the place of Marlo and Avon before him; and so on and so on. As much as things change, they always stay the same...
And never move to Baltimore ;)

Buh-Bye Wire!!!!

2008-03-09T12:47:00.003-05:00

Final episode of The Wire tonight guys :( . My favorite show, gone. Now granted, it has not been able to live up to the first 2 seasons. And David Simon wants too much to gain sympathy for the fact that he is disgruntled with the Baltimore Sun and newspaper journalism as a whole, resulting in a sub-plot this season that does not make much sense and could easily been left out. That could leave more room for the good stuff. Plus this season’s “Police faking serial killings to gain more manpower to allocate to other cases because our city is broke and we can’t pay our cops” storyline is almost as ridiculous as season 3’s, “Police Major secretly starts a legal drug zone in the middle of West Baltimore” storyline. But I still love it, although since Omar was killed it has not had the same feeling. And why did he quit whistling “The Farmer in the Dell” in like, season 2? I am predicting like so many other hyped-up HBO shows, the finale will be disappointing and several story lines will be left dangling, me never having closure. I am canceling HBO tomorrow, since all of the rest of their shows suck and there is nothing seemingly entertaining on the horizon. HBO seems to not want to spend the money to keep their good programming on television. All of the best dramas (Carnivale, Deadwood, Rome) have been ditched due to storyline and funding issues.

However, I have learned some valuable lesions about Baltimore from The Wire, and also Homicide: Life on the Streets (also another Simon creation).

1 - Never move to Baltimore.
2 - Do not go on vacation to Baltimore (not a problem for me as I do not vacation north of Florida).
3 - If you are murdered in Baltimore, it is unlikely that even if they do catch the killer, they will probably not do more than about 10 years in the slammer.
4 - Baltimore is in need of some major financial help and more support for its disadvantaged and poor (Does anyone feel for Dukie like I do?).
5 - David Simon is disgruntled with the Baltimore Sun and the Baltimore city budget.

Where is my Shit? Part 2

2008-03-09T12:27:00.003-05:00

Did anyone know that Fedex makes Saturday deliveries like a normal business day? I was at home alone yesterday morning and was startled by the doorbell. Now, I was not expecting anyone. I also live at one of those houses where people just walk in and out, maybe giving a quick tap on the door before they enter. Plus, it was at the front door that no one ever uses. I looked at the window and saw the Fedex truck pulling away. YAY!!! MY SHOES!!!

Boy, are they cute. I strutted around my house in them for about a half an hour. I need to count all my shoes, people always want updates about how many I have so they can laugh at me. I enjoy good humor, and I am never afraid to have myself involved.

I modeled both of them for P., and made him choose his favorite. He was giving me this look like, I DO NOT CARE, LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN WATCH COLLEGE BASKETBALL.

My goal today is to find a black dress to wear with the new black shoes. And I will be off to Ulta to collect on my free (well free after earning enough points) perfume. If you have an Ulta in your area and love health, beauty and salon products, go!! And join their Rewards Program, it is free and you get free stuff. Especially of you are like me and spent hundreds on that crap (at least I am ok with admitting it).

Tag for Men, You Suck!! Love, Your Friendly Neighborhood Feminist

2008-03-09T12:24:00.002-05:00

OMG!! I was cleaning my bathroom today and looked up and happened to notice that my boyfriend’s deodorant had a light, shadowy, naked, sexy figure of a woman on the label!!! LAME!! I really don’t see the connection, other that guys are horny and wear deodorant. This is the stupidest thing I have seen all day (so far). I think I am going to write a letter to the company of Tag and tell them that their packaging sucks ass. I asked P. if he noticed, and he said no, laughed, and agreed that it was pretty stupid.

Oh, because wearing Tag for Men deodorant in Midnight fragrance makes it so easy to bag a chick. It doesn’t even really smell that good.

Please Tag, give men more credit, even better, give women more credit. Although, everyone knows I choose men because of their super-sexy deodorant choices.

Cold Weather Sucks Ass

2008-03-06T18:17:00.006-06:00

It is cold!! It is almost the middle of March (oh, I am so optimistic) and today I was wearing 2 pairs of pants and four shirts. And I was still a little cold. I love you spring! And summer, you too! I am trying a little positive affirmation here. Everyday I dream about the beach. I am like some crazed ex-girlfriend to the beach in the winter :) I have that LEN song in my head now!

Anyway, still hoping for spring, and still not getting it! All I want is to wear one of my new pairs of shoes and a new dress (yet to be found) on Easter.

From Grandma with Love, or "Americas 20 Worst Restaurant Meals"

2008-03-05T10:26:00.006-06:00

So, I checked my email this morning, and there was an urgent message from my grandmother. It had a little red ! next to it. The pressing and important news? Americas 20 Worst Restaurant Meals.... She must really want to make sure I am eating right. So you may be wondering what the 20 worst restaurant meals are. I do not know where this article came from, but I will not avoid the excitement any longer.

20. Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips from McDonald's (5 pieces) with creamy ranch sauce 830 calories 55g fat (4.5g trans fat) 48g carbs

19. Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie(30 fl oz) 900 calories10 g fat 183 g carbs (166 g sugar) EXTRA NOTE: this beverage contains more sugar than two pints of Ben and Jerry's Butter Pecan ice cream (WOAH)

18. Pepperidge Farm Roasted Chicken Pot Pie 1,020 calories 64 g fat 86 g carbs NOTE: an actual serving size is ½ the teeny-tiny pot pie, that’s 2040 calories and 124 grams of fat for a whole pot pie?!?!?

17. Ruby Tuesday Bella Turkey Burger 1,145 calories 71 g fat 56 g carbs

16. Chipotle Mexican Grilled Chicken Burrito (YUM) 1,179 calories 7 g fat 125 g carbs 2,656 mg sodium

15. Macaroni Grill Double Macaroni 'n' Cheese 1,210 calories 62 g fat 3,450 mg sodium (THIS IS A KID’S MEAL!!!!)

14. Quizno's Classic Italian (large) 1370 calories 86 g fat 4490 mg sodium

13. On the Border Grande Taco Salad with Taco Beef (Don’t play now, I love me some Taco Bell) 1,450 calories 102 g fat 78 g carbs 2,410 mg sodium

12. Carl's Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger 1,520 calories 111 g fat (I do not think that I am within 500 miles to a Carl’s JR., so I should be safe!!)

11. Lonestar 20 oz T-bone 1,540 calories 124 g fat ARTICLE NOTE: Add a baked potato and Lonestar's Signature Lettuce Wedge, and this is a 2,700-calorie blowout.

10. Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes
1,540 calories 77 g fat (9 g trans fat) 198 g carbs (109 g sugar) (YUM, I might deal with the 77 grams of fat, give me some hash browns and some ham too!)

9. Chili's Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream 1,600 calories 78 g fat 215 g carbs

8. P.F. Chang's Pork Lo Mein 1,820 calories 127 g fat 95 g carbs (Uh, Oh, I ate Beef Lo Mein from my buddy P.F on Friday, luckily I split it in ½ and ate it over 2 days)

7. Chili's Honey Chipotle Crispers with Chipotle Sauce 2,040 calories 99 g fat 240 g carbs

6. On the Border Dos XX Fish Tacos with Rice and Beans 2,100 calories 130 g fat 169 g carbs 4,750 mg sodium

5. Uno Chicago Grill Chicago Classic Deep Dish Pizza (Personal size) 2,310 calories 162 g fat 123 g carbs 4,470 mg sodium ARTICLE NOTE: Downing this "personal" pizza is equivalent to eating 18 slices of Domino's Crunchy Thin Crust cheese pizza.

4. Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce 2,430 calories 128 g fat 207 g carbs 5,290 mg sodium

3. On the Border Stacked Border Nachos 2,740 calories 166 g fat 191 g carbs 5,280 mg sodium

2. Chili's Awesome Blossom 2,710 calories 203 g fat 194 g carbs 6,360 mg sodium

1. Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing 2,900 calories 182 g fat 240 g carbs.

In all, I feel like I knew that all of this stuff is probably bad for me. And on a realted note, it is National Nutrition Month (along with National Irish History and National Women's History Months)
Moral of the story, eating out is often bad for you. Taco Bell, and Aussie Cheese fries are really bad for you (but taste really good). In fact, I bet most of this stuff would taste pretty damn good right now. Looking at the pictures of the food is making me super hungry, considering all I have in my stomach right now is a pot of coffee. El Salvador, Full City, Organic and Fair Trade coffee, to be exact.

K the Cookie (and Coffee) Monster

2008-03-04T20:33:00.003-06:00

Do not give me cookies. Mom, quit baking and bringing cookies into work. V., quit bringing cookies to work and saying "Look, I brought us cookies", you little cookie fairy. And most of all, Girl Scouts, quit hanging out with your delicious cookies outside of the bank and grocery store. You know you will get me every time.

So what is for dinner, guesses anyone? Cookies, and coffee. I will not ever turn down coffee, bring it on, in fact just set me up with a IV full of cafe cubano. Mom, bring me a butterscotch latte the next time you stop by and see me at work. V., bring me a lite vanilla frappicino. Girl Scouts, start hocking coffee. It makes people just as happy.

Where is my Shit?, or The Missing (Defective) Shoes

2008-03-04T20:11:00.004-06:00

So, Fedex was supposed to deliver my new shoes today. One patent leather sling-back w/a cork heel, in black. The other, adorable saddle-shoe inspired pump in beige and white. V. said those ones look like stripper shoes. He is on crack, I told them that they do not have clear heels and they are so cute. And what does a gay man know about strippers anyway? Lame.

So anyway, my shoes were supposed to be here today. I anxiously ran up to my house, looked in the front. No shoes. Side door? Nope, no shoes. Oh! Maybe the deck door (Fedex is the only one that does that)? No shoes!!!! WHERE IS MY SHIT????

I called Fedex; a nice man with a very thick drawl told me that although a tracking number was generated, there was no record of them picking up the package. Oh hell no, I will snap on somebody when it comes to my shit! I was not really upset thought, seeing as if it will be at least another 3 weeks before open toe season begins.

I called the shoe store, an online outfit in CA. Of course I end up talking to the stupidest person alive who has no idea what is going on or how to find out what is going on. She accused me of yelling at her, I told her in my sweetest "talking to a child voice", "I am sorry dear, I am on a speaker phone, but if you feel that I need to talk to someone else about this; that is ok". I was hoping that she would transfer me to someone smarter.

I finally spoke with some supervisor that informed me very politely and apologetically that some warehouse person noticed a defect in the shoes and all had to be sent back to the manufacturer. The replacements arrived today, my package is ready to go out, and Fedex picks up at 5:00, BLAH. She was nice, sorry and did not accuse me of yelling, even though I was still on my speaker phone.

Stupid people, no one has any idea about decency anymore. And that first skank should have been lucky that I was feelin' abnormally friendly and did not start screaming at her. Yet I am glad that they found the defect. I have waited 3 weeks for these shoes to come in from my pre-order. I would have snapped if I had gotten them defective and had to return them and wait for new ones. BIG pat on the back for the anonymous warehouse person who went above and beyond today!! He/She should get a free pair of shoes.

Dolphin and Cow

2008-03-03T21:56:00.000-06:00

LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!!!!: This is just too damn funny to me, I love it!! I think this is one of those things I'll look at when I am having a bad day. Hilarious

Perra Gorda Grande

2008-03-03T20:10:00.000-06:00

So, I was remembering today...When I was on vacation, I watched the South Park movie in Spanish. Did you know that Cartman's mom is a "perra gorda grande".

Law and Order vs Homicide: Life on the Street

2008-03-03T19:26:00.000-06:00

Since watching the entire series of Homicide: Life on the Street with my boyfriend, I have noticed that Law and Order has been stealing their plot lines for awhile now. I know that they have a cross-over of producers and creators or whatever, but still, get your own plot. It is really too detailed to go into, but watch all 7 seasons of Homicide and then some reruns of Law and Order on TBS or something, you'll see.

DUH DUH DUH

2008-03-03T19:21:00.000-06:00

Yes, I, the Countess of anti-marriage, has been officially asked (and accepted) to be a bridesmaid. And since (thankfully), C. is my only straight, female friend who has not sworn off marriage, this should be the first and last time. Unless my sister get married, but that is prob a long time off.

She told me that she would try and not go Bridezilla. I replied by asking her if she shouldn't be more afraid of Maid-of-Honorzilla?

It's a Rum and Cider Kind of Evening

2008-03-01T21:14:00.003-06:00

On tonight’s drink menu (well, so far):

Hot Cider and Rum
Fill coffee cup ¾ full of cider
Add a pinch of cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, ginger
Microwave until warm (do not boil)
Add rum to taste ( I am using Sailor Jerry’s).

It can also be made in larger batches in a crock-pot or on a stove set on low. Sometimes you can also find spice packets that are kind of like tea-bags that you can just drop in your batch.

Drink at your own risk, and remember, never drink and drive.

As I drink this warm and fuzzy drink (which now that I am going down the rum path, will turn into rum punch or rum and cokes), I am waiting for Mr. Lazy to awaken from his evening nap and go out with me. I am hungry…and buzzed. I am looking forward to the booze and carbohydrates that awaits me this evening. I realize he works hard and did go to work today. But PLEASE, you got home at 1:00, and the only reason you need a nap is because you drank beers all afternoon, watching basketball games. TOTALLY LAME!